Bang for the Buck: Which teams got the best value in 2012-13?

NHL teams’ payrolls have been capped for nearly a decade now, limiting the disparity between the big-market giants and their small-market counterparts. Still, the Philadelphia Flyers, who had the highest payroll in the league last season, spent over $23 million more than the NHL-owned Phoenix Coyotes. But the money didn’t matter: neither made the playoffs, and Phoenix actually finished two points ahead of Philly in the final standings. Did the teams that made it rain in 2013 get any bang for their buck? Let’s find out.

Here, courtesy of CapGeek, are the payrolls for every NHL team this past season:

Team Spending (USD)
1. Philadelphia Flyers » $72,549,431
2. Vancouver Canucks » $70,456,167
3. Minnesota Wild » $70,120,744
4. New York Rangers » $68,711,221
5. Chicago Blackhawks » $67,343,544
6. Montreal Canadiens » $66,857,720
7. Pittsburgh Penguins » $66,739,133
8. San Jose Sharks » $66,370,996
9. Boston Bruins » $64,486,562
10. Tampa Bay Lightning » $64,082,929
11. Washington Capitals » $64,053,698
12. Toronto Maple Leafs » $63,249,222
13. Detroit Red Wings » $62,823,032
14. Los Angeles Kings » $62,025,799
15. Buffalo Sabres » $61,437,023
16. Calgary Flames » $61,027,990
17. New Jersey Devils » $59,269,410
18. Winnipeg Jets » $58,447,941
19. Florida Panthers » $57,463,086
20. Carolina Hurricanes » $57,237,054
21. Anaheim Ducks » $56,931,061
22. Colorado Avalanche » $55,641,465
23. Dallas Stars » $53,967,129
24. Columbus Blue Jackets » $53,893,247
25. Ottawa Senators » $53,806,372
26. Nashville Predators » $53,723,203
27. Edmonton Oilers » $53,648,971
28. New York Islanders » $53,004,108
29. St. Louis Blues » $52,185,361
30. Phoenix Coyotes »

$49,438,632

And here, courtesy of NHL.com, are the final standings for the 2013 season. Note that despite conference affiliations, the top 16 teams in the league turned out to be the 16 that made the playoffs.

Rank DIV GP W L OT P
1  p – Chicago CEN 48 36 7 5 77
2  z – Pittsburgh ATL 48 36 12 0 72
3  y – Anaheim PAC 48 30 12 6 66
4  y – Montréal NE 48 29 14 5 63
5  x – Boston NE 48 28 14 6 62
6  x – St. Louis CEN 48 29 17 2 60
7  x – Los Angeles PAC 48 27 16 5 59
8  y – Vancouver NW 48 26 15 7 59
9  x – Toronto NE 48 26 17 5 57
10  y – Washington SE 48 27 18 3 57
11  x – San Jose PAC 48 25 16 7 57
12  x – NY Rangers ATL 48 26 18 4 56
13  x – Detroit CEN 48 24 16 8 56
14  x – Ottawa NE 48 25 17 6 56
15  x – Minnesota NW 48 26 19 3 55
16  x – NY Islanders ATL 48 24 17 7 55
17  Columbus CEN 48 24 17 7 55
18  Winnipeg SE 48 24 21 3 51
19  Phoenix PAC 48 21 18 9 51
20  Philadelphia ATL 48 23 22 3 49
21  Dallas PAC 48 22 22 4 48
22  New Jersey ATL 48 19 19 10 48
23  Buffalo NE 48 21 21 6 48
24  Edmonton NW 48 19 22 7 45
25  Calgary NW 48 19 25 4 42
26  Carolina SE 48 19 25 4 42
27  Nashville CEN 48 16 23 9 41
28  Tampa Bay SE 48 18 26 4 40
29  Colorado NW 48 16 25 7 39
30  Florida SE 48 15 27 6 36

Now, let’s see which teams got the  best value. Playoff teams are in bold.

Team Spending (USD) Points USD Spent/Point
1 Anaheim Ducks $56,931,061 66 $862,591.83
2 St. Louis Blues $52,185,361 60 $869,756.02
3 Chicago Blackhawks $67,343,544 77 $874,591.48
4 Pittsburgh Penguins $66,739,133 72 $926,932.40
5 Ottawa Senators $53,806,372 56 $960,828.07
6 New York Islanders $53,004,108 55 $963,711.05
7 Phoenix Coyotes $49,438,632 51 $969,384.94
8 Columbus Blue Jackets $53,893,247 55 $979,877.22
9 Boston Bruins $64,486,562 62 $1,040,105.84
10 Los Angeles Kings $62,025,799 59 $1,051,284.73
11 Montreal Canadiens $66,857,720 63 $1,061,233.65
12 Toronto Maple Leafs $63,249,222 57 $1,109,635.47
13 Detroit Red Wings $62,823,032 56 $1,121,839.86
14 Washington Capitals $64,053,698 57 $1,123,749.09
15 Dallas Stars $53,967,129 48 $1,124,315.19
16 Winnipeg Jets $58,447,941 51 $1,146,038.06
17 San Jose Sharks $66,370,996 57 $1,164,403.44
18 Edmonton Oilers $53,648,971 45 $1,192,199.36
19 Vancouver Canucks $70,456,167 59 $1,194,172.32
20 New York Rangers $68,711,221 56 $1,226,986.09
21 New Jersey Devils $59,269,410 48 $1,234,779.38
22 Minnesota Wild $70,120,744 55 $1,274,922.62
23 Buffalo Sabres $61,437,023 48 $1,279,937.98
24 Nashville Predators $53,723,203 41 $1,310,322.02
25 Carolina Hurricanes $57,237,054 42 $1,362,787.00
26 Colorado Avalanche $55,641,465 39 $1,426,704.23
27 Calgary Flames $61,027,990 42 $1,453,047.38
28 Philadelphia Flyers $72,549,431 49 $1,480,600.63
29 Florida Panthers $57,463,086 36 $1,596,196.83
30 Tampa Bay Lightning $64,082,929 40 $1,602,073.23

Finally, let’s take a look at the differential between teams’ spending positions and their standings positions:

Position Differential Rank Team Spending Position Standings Position Position Differential
1 St. Louis Blues 29 6 +23
2 Anaheim Ducks 21 3 +18
3 New York Islanders 28 16 +12
t4 Ottawa Senators 25 14 +11
t4 Phoenix Coyotes 30 19 +11
t6 Columbus Blue Jackets 24 17 +7
t6 Los Angeles Kings 14 7 +7
8 Pittsburgh Penguins 7 2 +5
t9 Chicago Blackhawks 5 1 +4
t9 Boston Bruins 9 5 +4
t11 Toronto Maple Leafs 12 9 +3
t11 Edmonton Oilers 27 24 +3
t13 Montreal Canadiens 6 4 +2
t13 Dallas Stars 23 21 +2
15 Washington Capitals 11 10 +1
t16 Detroit Red Wings 13 13 0
t16 Winnipeg Jets 18 18 0
18 Nashville Predators 26 27 -1
19 San Jose Sharks 8 11 -3
20 New Jersey Devils 17 22 -5
t21 Vancouver Canucks 2 8 -6
t21 Carolina Hurricanes 20 26 -6
23 Colorado Avalanche 22 29 -7
t24 New York Rangers 4 12 -8
t24 Buffalo Sabres 15 23 -8
26 Calgary Flames 16 25 -9
27 Florida Panthers 19 30 -11
28 Minnesota Wild 3 15 -12
29 Tampa Bay Lightning 10 28 -18
30 Philadelphia Flyers 1 20 -19

So what can we take away from all these numbers and charts?

  • Despite making the playoffs, one might have expected the Sharks, Canucks, Rangers and Wild to accrue more points and make deeper runs.
  • Payroll-wise, the Coyotes and Blue Jackets overachieved big-time despite missing the playoffs.
  • Only two of the ten highest-spending teams — the Flyers and Lightning — missed the playoffs.
  • Three of the ten lowest-spending teams — the Ducks, Islanders and Blues — made the playoffs.
    • None of the three made it past the first round.

      EDIT: Reader Matt spots an error in our analysis:

    “4 of the bottom 10 spending teams made the playoffs…. And the one you missed also made it to the second round… the Ottawa Senators.”

Let’s check out, as of today, how much each NHL team will be spending in 2013-14, again courtesy of CapGeek:

Team Salary Payroll

Cap Payroll

1. Philadelphia Flyers » $76,194,117 $69,153,522
2. Boston Bruins » $65,440,000 $70,223,810
3. Pittsburgh Penguins » $70,810,000 $65,398,333
4. Detroit Red Wings » $68,200,000 $67,947,879
5. San Jose Sharks » $63,756,666 $65,131,667
6. Los Angeles Kings » $68,810,000 $64,386,894
7. Edmonton Oilers » $58,841,666 $67,774,167
8. Chicago Blackhawks » $67,760,000 $62,946,795
9. Columbus Blue Jackets » $60,976,667 $66,808,809
10. New York Rangers » $65,226,666 $62,881,667
11. Winnipeg Jets » $57,701,000 $63,201,357
12. Dallas Stars » $58,368,334 $62,993,611
13. Tampa Bay Lightning » $64,953,572 $63,990,477
14. Minnesota Wild » $67,152,778 $65,265,534
15. Montreal Canadiens » $64,465,000 $63,610,833
16. Anaheim Ducks » $57,145,000 $62,795,833
17. Vancouver Canucks » $64,489,000 $59,952,778
18. Nashville Predators » $62,326,666 $62,862,976
19. Carolina Hurricanes » $59,365,000 $59,425,000
20. Toronto Maple Leafs » $58,996,434 $59,704,167
21. Washington Capitals » $56,725,000 $58,634,295
22. Phoenix Coyotes » $52,300,000 $58,176,667
23. St. Louis Blues » $56,991,667 $57,925,833
24. Calgary Flames » $51,717,500 $57,321,250
25. New Jersey Devils » $55,383,333 $59,720,834
26. Colorado Avalanche » $55,565,000 $58,833,333
27. Buffalo Sabres » $54,745,833 $54,645,357
28. Ottawa Senators » $50,877,500 $53,835,833
29. Florida Panthers » $50,176,209 $57,140,375
30. New York Islanders » $44,431,500 $49,496,976

Who do you think will outperform their payroll in 2013-14? Who is spending the most on a pile of crap? Tell us in the comments!

Related Reading:

Panther Parkway lists the NHL’s five best “Puck for Your Buck” Contracts

Sports Illustrated looks at the smartest deals of the summer

Elliotte Friedman said today that some within hockey circles believe the cap could rise to as high as $80 million by 2017-18

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Five Guys You Meet Playing Pickup Roller Hockey

Empire Roller Rink in Columbia, Mo., where pickup hockey on Tuesday was a highlight of my week in college.

Pickup roller hockey is always a blast. It doesn’t even matter if you play well that particular night. It’s about the cast of characters that takes time out of their otherwise unathletic lives to play the game they love. Here are a few guys you’re sure to run into at Open Hockey.

That Flashy Douche

There’s no denying this guy can play. He’s probably the most skilled guy out there, but my gosh, doesn’t he know it. Mr. FancyPants can usually found dogging it until the puck is on his tape. At that point, everybody else out there is transformed into a traffic cone. While helpless defenders swing their sticks at the guy’s legs, he unleashes toe drags, through-the-leg dekes, one-handed maneuvers and, if he’s feeling particularly obnoxious, the attempted “Michigan.”

Play some solid defense against this guy, and he’ll become frustrated quite quickly. I played against one of these guys just last week, and when one of my teammates stepped in front of him, he responded “Play the body on me again and I’ll break your f*&%ing jaw.” Spoken like a true roller hockey player.

Gramps

gramps

Most of the guys at the drop-in session are in their 20s or 30s, but that hasn’t deterred this Vietnam vet from lacing up every week for the past 40 years. Gramps might or might not have upgraded to inline blades from classic four-wheelers, but if he has, his blades are still the ones with the plastic chassis. You’d make fun of his old-school Jofa bucket, but as long as Teemu is still in the NHL, it’s not really out of style. His gloves were undoubtedly manufactured by Cooper and his stick is wooden because, well, duh.

Don’t let his age fool you though: this guy is tough as nails and knows every trick in the book. Try to take the puck around him and Gramps will get three slashes in on your wrists before you’ve taken two strides. Hear somebody yelling for a pass? It’s probably everyone’s favorite AARP member looking for a cheap steal. By the time you’re done with one pickup game, you’ll always want Gramps on your team. Just don’t get him started on Eddie Shore and ’39 Bruins.

Captain Serious

Although it’s endearing reference to Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews in NHL circles, there’s nothing to like about this guy. You might just be looking to get a weeknight workout in with some friends, but for CS, it’s Game 7 of the Cup Finals. While you were drinking Keystones in the parking lot with Gramps, CS had already been at the rink for an hour doing pushups while listening to Master of Puppets on loop.

When this guy scores a goal, you know he’s breaking out a celly that most would reserve for, you know, a game that actually counts. On the bench, he’s the one yelling at guys to hustle, demanding “short shifts” and dishing out the occasional “‘atta boy” or pat on the ass.

Make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into when you head into the corner with CS. Yes, it’s a Tuesday night drop-in game, but that won’t stop him from taking you into the wall, moving the puck up the boards and holding you to the ground until the play is halfway down the rink. And, oh boy, don’t tell him to calm down. “This is hockey, not ballet”, after all.

Woody Woodpecker

CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK. CLACK. Oh, do you want the puck or something? If Woody is open, he won’t be for long. This guy ALWAYS wants the puck and he makes it known to both his teammates and defenders alike. If Woody’s playing defense, chances are your pass to the point is getting intercepted and going the other way. Occasionally Woody might throw in a “Yo”, “I’m Open”, or “Over here”, but the effect is the same.

The Goalie Whose Fault That  Certainly Wasn’t

There’s nothing better than walking into the rink and finding out there are two goalies and you don’t have to shoot on the dreaded board or play posts. So, with that in mind, it’s important to be patient with goalies because it’s better than not having them. That said, this guy will drive you up a wall when he makes an excuse for every goal he lets up. It’s not the fact that his five-hole is the size of a pornstar’s and it’s not his fault he gets beat short side every time. Nope, it’s your fault or his equipment’s fault or a fluke.

Some classics:

  • “I haven’t let up a goal since I switched out of that Jofa helmet. That thing was awful.”
  • After letting up a goal on a floater from Center: “That wasn’t a soft goal. His slapshot is like a curveball.”
  • “Dude, you were screening me.”
  • “Thanks for the screen, man.”
  • “You gotta get that guy out of the front. I was screened.”
  • “What do you mean it hit off my glove? You’re blind.”
  • “It’s physically impossible to keep my stick on the floor protecting my five-hole.”
  • “Great defense, guys.”
  • “How was I supposed to know he’d go backhand?”
  • His pads are way bigger than mine.”
  • “If this were ice hockey, I would’ve stopped that.” (and then the other way around when he’s playing ice hockey)
  • “You wouldn’t have to worry about my play if you scored a few more goals.”

You know what, man. Go home. We’d rather use the shooter tutor.

Every rink or parking lot has its own cast of characters. Tell us about your pickup hockey crew in the comments.

NHL ’14 Allows Players to Manage Off-Ice Actions

There isn’t much to be excited about here in Hockey Falls between now and when the puck drops on the upcoming NHL season. But we have September 10th circled on our calendar and are seriously considering taking off work. Because EA Sports’ NHL video game series, or ‘Chel’ to anyone who isn’t a freaking noob, is a possibly detrimental lifestyle choice and, as such, it would be unrealistic to expect to leave our couches on NHL 14’s release date.

In the game’s most recent trailer, EA Sports showed off Chel’s new “Live The Life” mode, which is basically the new and improved version of “Be A Pro.” Among the features trumpeted in the video, posted above, is the gamer’s ability to control his created player’s off-ice actions. Here’s the example from the video:

Image

Ask any NHLer what their favorite parts of being in the big leagues are and stuff like this is sure to be right at the top, so why not add interactions with obnoxious shitheads fans to the game? Good on you, EA Sports. We’re so excited for this game mode that we couldn’t help but dream up a few more COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL scenarios your player might experience while Living the Life.

Off-Ice Event #1

You and your cousin are out for an offseason night on the town when, too inebriated to drive, you decide to take a taxi cab. The fare is $14.80 and you give the cabbie $15. He informs you that he doesn’t have the $.20 change. What do you do?

X – You Respond: “That’s alright. Keep the change and here’s a nice tip for you.”

Δ – You Respond: “Do you know who I am?” and slam the door.

\square – You give the driver your address and tell him to send you a check.

O – You assault the driver by punching him, breaking his glasses, leaving him with cuts and bruises and, of course, taking back your cab fare before fleeing into the nearby park.

Off-Ice Event #2

Your team has just won the Stanley Cup and now it’s time to celebrate! You and your teammates go out to some of the hottest nightclubs in town and, oh boy, is the booze flowing. Your captain is over about to pop the cork off a $100,000 bottle of champagne while another shirtless teammate pours Grey Goose down the underage rookie’s throat. So what’s it going to be, Champ?

X – You respond: “Shots! Shots! Shots!”

Δ – You respond: “Budweiser.” It’s the King, after all.

\square – Are there any girls around? *Looks both ways* You respond: “I’ll take an Amstel Light.”

O – You respond: “I’ll just have a water.” Way to be a role model for the fans! 

Off-Ice Event #3

The next game on the schedule is one you’ve secretly been looking forward to. Your ex-girlfriend, a super-hot B-list actress, just started dating the other team’s star defenseman. You arrive at the morning skate and you’re already seething with jealousy. How do you handle this situation?

X – You respond by holding your tongue and being the bigger man. You’ll settle the score where it really counts: on the scoreboard.

Δ – You seek out the first TV camera you see upon arriving at the arena and make a quick passive-aggressive remark before hitting the ice. “I just wanted to comment on how it’s become a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my Sloppy Seconds. I don’t know what that’s about.”

\square – You head over to the opposing locker room to talk things out man-to-man.

O – Sure he’s bigger, stronger and probably far superior in the sack, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take him. You save that anger for the ice where you drop the gloves and settle things like hockey players.

Off-Ice Event #4

Your team won the Stanley Cup last season and you were the star of the show. You won the Conn Smythe trophy and are widely regarded as one of the best players at your position. Now, a few months later, it’s your team’s day to visit the White House. Problem is, you don’t really like the President’s policies. Still, team ownership is begging you to hold your tongue and go. What do you do?

X – Go to the White House, of course. After all, it’s an honor to be invited to the White House by the President of the United States, regardless of who that is.

Δ – Refuse to attend the White House and going on a political rant via Facebook about your popular, non-fascist beliefs about the dangers of big government.

\square – Go to the White House, put on a fake smile and when everyone least expects it, take a swing at the Commander-in-Chief. You might get suspended or arrested, but you were planning on taking a politically charged sabbatical anyway, so what the hell.

O – Go to the White House, but don’t let the President get a word in edgewise. Instead, whenever tries to talk, start screaming like a raving lunatic about the country’s current crash course.

Off-Ice Event #5

You’ve been traded to the New York Islanders. Man, those guys suck. Sure, your hometown team was low-balling you by a whopping $500,000 and aren’t in playoff contention, but you never thought those bastards would actually trade you. What the hell? What do you do?

X – You tweet about how much your hometown team is going to suck without you.

Δ – You tell the media that you’re looking forward to the next chapter of your career.

\square – You thank the fans in your hometown for supporting you for all those good years.

O – Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

We’re sure this is just the tip of the iceberg, so if you can think up any COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL situations for the “Live the Life” mode, put them in the comments!

Why the NHL All-Star game will never be as entertaining as the MLB’s

Don’t forget to share your opinion of the NHL All-Star Game in our poll below!

Hockey > Baseball. Don’t think I’ve changed my philosophy on that; such a notion is grounds for tarring and feathering in Hockey Falls.

But even I’ll admit there’s one thing that baseball can hold over hockey (other than financials and the whole National Pastime thing it has going): its All-Star Game. Tuesday’s 3-0 victory for the American League at Citi Field, which featured a hometown starting pitcher in the Mets’ Matt Harvey and a touching tribute to legendary Yankees reliever Mariano Rivera, had me captivated from start to finish in a way the NHL All-Star Game never has.

Level of Play

The MLB’s version feels like a real baseball game, something the NHL will never manage to capture. Hockey is an inherently physical sport, meaning that in an exhibition involving the league’s most skilled players, the game has to be toned down to preserve player safety. That means no checking or playing the body, which translates into next to no defense. It doesn’t look or feel like NHL hockey and doesn’t capture the sport anywhere near its best.

Baseball players, on the other hand, can treat the All-Star Game like a competitive event without jeopardizing their seasons. As a result, fans get to see the best players performing at a high level, capturing the game of baseball at its peak. It’s the best hitters against the best pitchers with both sides giving it their all. The use of a whole pitching staff and bench only makes the game more interesting; it’s incredible the pressure managers face trying to give everyone their All-Star moments while also playing to win.

Uniforms

The baseball tradition of each player wearing his respective ball club’s uniform is fantastic. There’s something exciting about seeing a player from your favorite team representing that organization by wearing its colors. Meanwhile the wide array of different uniforms makes for a nice visual.

On the flip side, when was the last time the NHL put out decent All-Star jerseys. I mean, come on. These things are notorious for being hideous year after year. Having the players wear their own franchises’ uniforms wouldn’t work as well in hockey – where both teams are on the ice at the same time – as it does in baseball. Still, there’s definitely room for improvement by the NHL’s design team.

Significance

Baseball is a traditionalist’s game and traditionalists hate change. For this reason, a good chunk of the MLB’s fan base hates the fact that, as of 2003, home field advantage for the World Series has hinged on which league won that season’s All-Star Game. As a casual observer of baseball, I think it’s awesome. Listen to managers, players and the media talk about the MLB All-Star Game and you’ll see how seriously they take the outcome of the Mid-Summer Classic. If AL Manager Jim Leyland’s Tigers end up in the World Series, he’ll be thrilled that he led the All-Star team to victory back in July and same goes for the players.

Now by no means am I advocating hockey follow suit. The NHL All-Star Game, as previously stated, is not even close to being a real game. The worst thing the NHL could do would be to add Playoff implications to it. That said, without something to play for, the NHL can’t match the MLB.

Casual Fan Appeal

While I’m convinced the only people watching the NHL All-Star Game are hockey fans with nothing better to do – both because the game is on OLN Versus ESPN8:The Ocho NBCSN and because it’s just a terrible product – an All-Star Game should ideally appeal most to the casual fan. It’s the one game of the year in which an average sports fan might recognize the names of every player on both teams. But casual sports fans still want to see a competitive affair, something the NHL (along with the NBA and NFL for that matter) fails to offer. The the MLB consistently brings its A-Game.

The Olympics

MLB players don’t participate in the Olympics, but once every four years the NHL cancels its All-Star Game so its best players can play for their home countries in the Winter Olympics. Try finding me a hockey fan who prefers the All-Star Game to Olympic Hockey. It’s impossible. Who would rather watch guys half-ass it during a meaningless exhibition game than battle tooth-and-nail for a gold medal? It’s tough to care for the All-Star Game when the alternative is so much better.

So let’s just cancel this stupid thing…

Not so fast. While I don’t particularly care for the NHL All-Star Game, it’s probably a thrill for the host city and its fans, particularly those in attendance. Although it doesn’t compare to the Home Run Derby, the Skills Competition is still a fun opportunity for players to show off their skills that ISN’T THE SHOOTOUT. Finally, it’s one of the league’s premier events in terms of marketability and ad revenue (presumably) and might prevent the league from having to put together more blatant cash-grabs like the six outdoor games this upcoming season. On second thought, it probably won’t.

Spotted: Stanley Cup Beer Tap

Not quite drinking from the Cup itself, but maybe the next best thing.

Not quite drinking from the Cup itself, but maybe the next best thing.

Come across a sweet piece of hockey memorabilia in a local bar? Spot a goofy jersey on the concourse at the rink or at your local pizza joint? We want to see the hockey paraphernalia that makes your head turn for one reason or another. Send a picture with a brief back story/description to Alex@AlexMSilverman.com! 

Where: Percy’s Tavern, East Village, New York

When: Tuesday, July 16

Check out this awesome 2013 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs beer tap courtesy of Coors Light. Never in my life have I wanted a kegerator so badly!

Our research, which naturally led us to Puck Daddy, shows that Molson Coors  issued taps like these to 4,000 bars across the U.S. and 2,500 in Canada during the 2012 Playoffs. We’re not sure whether the beer distributor sent another wave in 2013 or if someone at Percy’s liked this one enough to keep it there for more than a year. Either way, it’s not too often that fans of either New York team see the Stanley Cup, so good on Percy’s for reminding us all what it looks like.

Want a Coors Cup of your own? Head over to Beer Avenue, where you can purchase the exact handle pictured for $249.99 or the Molson version for $279.99.

Who would you rather party with: Patrick Kane or Tyler Seguin?

imageedit_1_4795429736

Patrick Kane and Tyler Seguin are hockey’s undisputed top-two party animals. But which one would you rather party with?

Since the Boston Bruins’ decision to trade 21-year-old forward Tyler Seguin to the Dallas Stars due to concerns about his “professionalism” (and probably his lack of production in the Bruins’ recent Stanley Cup Finals loss), the Boston media has made sure to air Seguin’s dirty laundry. Without getting into which reports are true and which aren’t, the gist of it is that the 2nd-overall pick in 2010 likes to party, which the hockey world has known since he raged with his teammates after winning the cup as a 19-year-old rookie. Seguin made matters worse by allowing “a hacker,” more than likely one of his buddies, to tweet out a borderline-homophobic line from Full Metal Jacket mocking his new home state of Texas, where he will be playing for the Dallas Stars.

So while Seguin finds himself in hot water, fellow hockey party boy Patrick Kane must be on top of the world. Kane led his Blackhawks to a second Stanley Cup in four years and the NHL rewarded him with the Conn Smythe trophy, which goes annually to the MVP of the Playoffs.

How did Kane — three years Seguin’s elder — celebrate his triumph? By raging face, naturally.

Now, remember, Kane has caught his fair share of flack, especially prior to the Blackhawks’ 2010 Stanley Cup victory. But goals and wins are what count in the hockey business and that’s what Kane has consistently brought the Hawks.

But we’re not here to discuss whether there is a Seguin-Kane double standard or if it’s fair. The question we want answered here in Hockey Falls is “Who would you rather party with: Kane or Seguin?” Here are a few things to consider before voting in our Hockey Falls poll…

Style

This is truly a bro-tastic matchup for the ages, as the two bring very different party styles to the table.

“Frat. Frat. Frat.”

Patrick Kane would’ve loved college

On one hand, let’s revisit Kane’s infamous Cinco de Mayo bender in Madison, Wis. First, notice Patty’s truly frat-tastic homemade shirt (above) featuring a festive Spanish phrase that translates roughly to “Two Fives equals a Ten.” Yes, that’s Bro for “scoring with two ugly chicks is just as good as one hottie.” We’ll get to the caliber of Kaner’s female companions later, so consider this foreshadowing.

Over the course of the weekend, Deadspin readers claim to have witnessed Kane drunkenly passing out at a local bar, declaring girls “not good enough” to their faces, getting kicked out of a fraternity house for choking an uninterested female target, drinking beer “like a girl”, making anti-Semitic remarks and hooking up with a “Ten” to cap it all off.

So basically, Patty Kane doesn’t give a F*&%. He’ll show up unwelcome to your frat party after sleeping with your president’s girlfriend (again, per Deadspin), assault whoever the hell he wants to and then just head over to Kappa with another group of smoking hot college girls; Guy should’ve gone to college.

Tyler Seguin: The Shirtless Wonder

Peaking at 19?

When the Bruins won the Stanley Cup in 2011, Seguin became the youngest NHL player since 1955 to have his name engraved on the Stanley Cup. Imagine being 19 years old and reaching the summit of hockey greatness. I think it’s fair to say just about anyone would’ve guzzled and gamed their ass off, and that’s exactly what Seguin did.

Cameras captured Seguin contributing to the Bruins’ $156,000+ bar tab of infographic fame by opening wide as Grey Goose was poured down his throat and popping the cork off some champagne. Seguin and equally-shitfaced teammate Brad Marchand found time to dance shirtless together between posing for pictures, and who knows what else, with girl after girl.

Fast forward to this past weekend when the young Canadian threw a Cape Cod soiree for the 4th of July which, coincidentally, happened to be the day the Bruins traded him to the Stars. Once again, social media delivered a blow to Seguin’s reputation, but not before Seguin hosted what looks like an epic bash. The best documentation of the night came in the form of a video that shows Seguin in a frat tank and backwards trucker hat grinding on a female party guest.

In other words, Tyler Seguin is a pimp.

Bottom Line: Roll with Kaner and you might wind up in a bar fight. Schmooze with Seguin, and you’re bound to get lucky.

Trouble with the Law

Nothing kills a partier’s buzz quite like a run-in with the refs, I mean, cops. Of the two puck daddies in question, only Kane can attest to that. In 2009, after a night out in his hometown of Buffalo with his cousin James Kane, Kane was arrested and charged with second-degree robbery, fourth-degree criminal mischief and theft of services after assaulting and robbing a cab driver over a measly 20 cents. Kane ultimately got off with a slap on the wrist by pleading guilty to noncriminal disorderly conduct charges, but still, it was both a major headache an a low-point for the fallen party boy and his cousin/wing man.

As far as we know, Seguin has never seen a night of partying cut short by flashing lights in the rear view, despite the aforementioned, blatant underage drinking after winning the Cup in 2011. So, by default…

Edge: Seguin

Puck Bunnies

Here at Hockey Falls we generally frown upon the objectification of women based on looks. But when it’s for the purpose of objectifying two of the “brohans” likely doing some objectifying of their own, we’ll let it slide.

Seguin:

Kane:

 

So who would you rather party with? Vote in our poll and justify in the comments!

The July 5th Free Agency Day-Drinking Game for ‘MURICANS

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Suck it, Canada!

For the first time in years, unrestricted free agency in the NHL doesn’t start on Canada Day. In years past, Canadians got to turn on TSN, hide the remote and plant their Molson-guzzling asses in front of the TV, while fans South of the Border were left waiting for text message alerts at work or in class.

But this year, the Free Agent Frenzy begins on July 5th, meaning Americans can glue their eyes to ESPN OLN Versus NHL Network for the second day of their long weekends. U-S-A!

No American celebration is complete without day-drinking, so without further adieu, The July 5th Free Agency Day-Drinking Game for ‘MURICANS:

Sip your drink every time a free agent signs.

Take an additional sip of your drink if…

  • The first signing of the day is a forward or defenseman.
  • Jaromir Jagr signs with a team he hasn’t already played for.
  • The Flyers sign a goalie. (two sips if it’s Tim Thomas, three sips if it’s Tim Thomas to a multi-year deal)
  • In an interview on your network of choice, a player talks about how “excited I am for this new [opportunity/challenge/chapter in my career]”
  • One of the following players re-signs with his 2013 team:
    • Patrik Elias
    • Daniel Alfredsson
    • Teemu Selanne
    • Milan Hejduk
  • The Sabres begin their fire sale by unloading Ryan Miller, Thomas Vanek or  Tyler “Traffic Cone” Myers.
  • Seattle signs a marquis player to mark the new chapter in the franchise’s history

Take a shot if…

  • The first signing of the day is a goalie.
  • Mike Ribiero’s wife bitches on Twitter…again.
  • Danny Briere returns to Buffalo.
  • Tim Thomas signs a multi-year contract with a team other than the Flyers.
  • One of the following players is traded:
    • Marian Hossa
    • Tyler Seguin
    • Ales Hemsky
  • David Clarkson gets $5 million+/year.
  • A 2013 NHLer signs a KHL/European deal
  • The Islanders find yet another way to circumvent the salary floor.
  • An American media member beats the Canadian guys to a scoop (take a big pull from the bottle if it’s Eklund)

Pour some out for one’s homie if…

One of the following players retires:

  • Teemu Selanne
  • Jaromir Jagr
  • Adrian Aucoin
  • Daniel Alfreddson
  • Milan Hejduk
  • Brendan Morrow
  • Saku Koivu

Chug if…

  • CapGeek‘s server crashes, leaving fans and GMs alike wondering how much cap space their team has.
  • A GM finds a loophole in the CBA, and the panic of going through another lockout begins to set in.
  • The Islanders sign a player for more than $4 million/year.
  • The Canucks sign a goalie.
  • The Canucks trade Roberto Luongo.
  • The Flyers get under the salary cap.
  • Vinny Lecavalier backs out of his deal with the Flyers.

Stop playing and move on to harder drugs if…

  • Your team signs Rick DiPietro to an NHL contract.

Have ideas for more rules? Post in the comments and we’ll add them in!

….

Game by Alex Silverman, Joey Naftol and Trevor Kraus