Hockey Falls Names the Realigned NHL Divisions (UPDATE: League goes with ‘Metropolitan’ instead)

The team logos above the stage at the 2013 NHL are arranged based on the league’s new divisions, beginning in the ’13-’14 season.

Written by Trevor Kraus, Joey Naftol and Alex Silverman

From 1981-1993, the NHL playoffs opened with two divisional rounds to crown the champion of the Patrick, Adams, Norris and Smythe divisions prior to determining the top team from each conference and, ultimately, the Stanley Cup champion. From 1994-2012, divisions were meaningless other than the fact that the division winners were automatically seeded in the top 3 in each conference. With realignment on the horizon for the ’13-’14 season, divisional playoffs will return.

But just two and a half months away from the opening faceoff, the four divisions remain nameless. Commissioner Gary Bettman has stated that the divisions will likely be named geographically, but with one division containing teams from Canada, the Northeastern United States and Florida, it seems impossible to come up with anything sensible based on location. Here at Hockey Falls, we’ve been talking over some cold ones (Molsons…always Molsons) and tossing around some themes and names for the NHL’s new divisions.

Kickin’ it Old School: Patrick, Adams, Norris, Smythe

Traditionalist that I am, I’d be THRILLED if the league went this route. I’m too young to have watched a Norris Division matchup, but I know my dad would’ve smiled at the thought of the Blues raising another Norris Division Championship banner. Moreover, the Norris (along with the other divisions) developed its own identity, one that “Central” never captured or conveyed. The “Chuck” Norris Division had a reputation as brutal, bruising, bloody, all-out-war hockey. Wayne Gretzky’s Smythe Division featured a more open, finesse style. So, when the winners of those divisions squared off in the Campbell Conference Final, you were almost assured of seeing contrasting styles, which always makes for interesting hockey.

Each division having its own identity is a good thing for the league. For another reason, one need only look at college sports, where each conference develops its own identity. In college basketball, for example, when your team gets knocked out of the NCAA Tournament, it’s customary to root for the other teams in your conference to add legitimacy to your own team’s reputation. Of course, you can still do that with Central, Atlantic, etc. But even though I’m a diehard hockey fan, I follow the Blues most closely. So sometimes I’d have to strain to remember who was the 5th team in the Northeast Division…because ALL those teams (Boston, New York, Philly, Toronto, Montreal) are, geographically, in the Northeast. Likewise, I’m not sure every Boston Bruins fan could correctly place Vancouver in the Northwest Division instead of the Pacific…because Vancouver is most certainly on the Pacific.

While that argument could be applied to just about any non-geographic denomination, above all, what Smythe, Norris, Patrick, and Adams have going for them is the power of nostalgia. There are plenty of old-time hockey fans out there who’ve been turned off by the lockout. Or the other lockout. Or that most recent lockout. Reconnecting to hockey’s past certainly wouldn’t turn away any new fans, and it might help bring back some old ones.

Modern Legends: Gretzky, Hull (both of them), Orr, Lemieux

I think this denomination is the most likely. Again, it offers a connection to hockey’s past, but in a more concrete way. All of these players are still alive, but their places in today’s game need to be more prevalent and more defined. Since his departure from the Phoenix Coyotes, for example, Gretzky has virtually gone AWOL, and is without a role in the modern NHL. Renaming the division with his Oilers after him could help bring him back. His face and his presence are needed in the game. Picture this: the Oilers (or the Ducks, the Sharks…whoever) advance to the Stanley Cup Final, and The Great One is one ice to award them the Campbell Bowl. Or if the Jets (or Stars/Blackhawks/Blues/Wild/etc.) go to the Final, you have Bobby and Brett Hull award the Bowl.

There’s one concern I can see fans raising: how would the Flyers feel about competing for the Lemieux Division Title, after Super Mario did things like this to them? Would Habs fans want Bobby Orr presenting them the Prince of Wales Trophy after he tortured them throughout most of his career? In response, I say to those fan bases: Suck. It. Up. Respect greatness. These guys are no longer scoring against your teams, and it’s not like they were agitators on the ice anyway.

Geography: West, Central…well, let us explain:

(Courtesy NHL/NPR)

As we mentioned in the open, geographic names for the new divisions is trickier than it should be. So let’s start with the easy ones. The western-most division – the teams from the current Pacific division, minus Dallas, plus Vancouver, Edmonton and Calgary – would be known simply as the “Western Division.” It might sound weird considering “Western” was previously the name of a conference, but it’s the most accurate geographic designation to describe locations that include Arizona, California, British Columbia and Alberta. “Pacific” can’t stick around because, according to someone else’s calculations, Edmonton is more than 4,000 miles from the ocean.

The next division over – the current Central division plus Colorado, Dallas and finally accom

modated Winnipeg – would maintain its “Central” designation. Let’s skip the one the NHL has temporarily called Division C and get the easy stuff out of the way. The current Atlantic Division – plus Carolina, Columbus and Washington – could either stick with “Atlantic” or go with the slightly more controversial “Middle East.” Look at that map and tell me those teams aren’t in the middle of the East. Plus, with rivalries like Philly-Pittsburgh, Islanders-Rangers, Pittsburgh-Washington and Rangers-Devils to name a few, there fittingly won’t be peace in the Middle East anytime soon.

And finally, to the crux of the issue: Bettman just had to take the current Northeast Division plus Detroit and then force the two Florida teams in there like a square peg into a round hole. If we really want to pretend this is a legitimate geographical entity, we might use something like “Eastern Division” because that’s pretty much all these seven locations have in common. But the NHL might as well embrace its goofy divisional structure with one of the following names:

  • The Flortheast Division
  • The “Damn-Those-Non-Traditional-Hockey-Markets” Division
  • The Snowbirds Division (or the related “Fly-South-For-The-Winter” Division”)
  • The Flanadian Division
  • The Flandetada Division/The Candetida Division

We could probably do this all day, but you get the point. Steer clear of geography, Bettman!

A Sad Reality: The Centers for Disease Control Anti-Smoking Division, The Nicklas Backstrom 15-Goal Geico Division, The Amway Divison, The Westside Furniture Division

The sad, sad, heartbreakingly sad truth: everything in sports is becoming commercialized. Only 3 arenas don’t have corporate names: The Joe, Madison Square Garden, and the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum. McDonald’s has infiltrated the Kings’ practice jerseys, and it’s only a matter of time before we start seeing ads on game jerseys, like in Europe. So why not go all the way? We already had to sit through the horrifying CDC anti-smoking ads during the playoffs, so hopefully by now, we’re desensitized to the sound of Terrie’s voice. The NHL has proven its progressive mindset with the “You Can Play” campaign, and it wouldn’t hurt the league’s image to jump out in front of the anti-smoking wave and lead the charge. The “CDC-ASD Division” would be the one including the Blackhawks, Blues, Stars, Wild, Jets, Avs and Predators.

My god, were those Nicklas Backstrom Geico commercials stupid. And how did Geico end up choosing Backstrom, of all people, as the face of their campaign? Sure, he’s a good player, but was there no one more noteworthy available? Nevertheless, he’d gain instant rockstar status as the only man ever to win his own division. The only question: Can he “make” 15 goals every year for the rest of his career? Of course he can.

The “Amway Division” would be the one the Detroit Red Wings occupy…because the Wings already have an “historic” relationship with Amway. Because it’s the NHL, any good will it earns from coming out against smoking has to be given back. And what better way to do that than by accepting money from a pyramid scheme? Or as Harvard calls it, a “pyramid-like distribution system.”

Finally, we have the “Westside Furniture Division”. Never heard of Westside Furniture? Neither have most hockey fans. But as we found out on July 2nd, the city of Glendale is broke and can barely afford to pay its police officers and firefighters. Yet, there’s still an NHL team there, and in true Gary Bettman fashion, the league is going to do absolutely everything in its power to make sure the team stays there. Hence the worldwide shout-out to Westside Furniture, located at 7029 N. 57th Drive, Glendale AZ, 85301. The new name will infuse Glendale with some much needed cash, and no hockey fan will ever again be in need of rustic, southwest, old-world, contemporary oak furniture and accessories. It’s a win-win!

Classic American Cinema: Youngblood, Slapshot, Mystery, Alaska, Mighty Ducks

Paying homage to arguably the four greatest hockey films of all time would be a great way to connect the newly realigned divisions to the game’s pop culture landmarks. The “Classic American Cinema” names embody the niche aspect that die-hard puck-heads embrace. Hockey fans are a unique breed of human and are the only ones who would watch these movies every time they show up on an HBO channel.

The “Youngblood Division” would consist of Midwestern teams – the Blackhawks, Wild, Blues, etc. – because what better represents the middle of our country than undersized speedster Rob Lowe learning how to fight for success through a montage-style training session with Pat Swayze, seriously?

The “Mighty Ducks Division” would be home of the Pacific Coast teams even though the original, D1, took place in Minnesota. However, D2’s Goodwill Games did go down in LA, where the team also learned how to play hockey, street style. Obviously the no-longer-mighty Ducks would compete in this division and, oddly enough, their current roster seems to reflect shades of those Bombay squads of the past: a Goaltending controversy between Victor “the cat” Fasth and Jonas “definitely not Jewish” Hiller, a combination of Ryan Getzlaf and Corey Perry which equals Adam Banks and Cam Fowler as the Charlie Spazzway of the team.

The “Mystery, Alaska Division” would carry the Northeast plus the Florida teams. Think about it: It’s really cold in the northeast, and the Lightning and Panthers are overlooked by the rest of the league just as the state of Alaska is overlooked by the rest of the U.S. This assortment of teams lacks any geographical sense: it’s a mystery what they have in common and they might as well be in Alaska compared to one another. This name also works because the Lightning and Panthers have the same chance of competing against their far superior opponents as Mystery, Alaska’s amateur hockey team had going up against the Rangers; but they play the game for a reason, folks.

Finally the “Slapshot Division” would take over for the Atlantic plus Columbus, Carolina and Washington division. Since Slapshot is the lone comedy on the list, it’s the division that has, hands down, the group of teams with the most hilarious story lines: the Flyers’ salary cap management, Marc Andre Fleury in late April, Alexander Ovechkin winning the Hart last year, Bobrovsky joining the force and the Islanders, to name a few. Just like the Mighty Ducks Division, there’s a handful of similarities to players in the Slapshot division. Obviously the Schenn bros in Philly or the Staal bros in Carolina represent the Hansen brothers, one could argue that Ned Brayden was Sidney Crosby before Sidney Crosby with the whole refusing to fight and get dirty thing, and hopefully Ilya Bryzgalov stays within the division because he would be the perfect Denis Lemieux.

So there you have it: the NHL has quite a few options. Now lets see how Bettman screws it up. (UPDATE: Like this: Pacific, Central, Atlantic and Metropolitan)

Why the NHL All-Star game will never be as entertaining as the MLB’s

Don’t forget to share your opinion of the NHL All-Star Game in our poll below!

Hockey > Baseball. Don’t think I’ve changed my philosophy on that; such a notion is grounds for tarring and feathering in Hockey Falls.

But even I’ll admit there’s one thing that baseball can hold over hockey (other than financials and the whole National Pastime thing it has going): its All-Star Game. Tuesday’s 3-0 victory for the American League at Citi Field, which featured a hometown starting pitcher in the Mets’ Matt Harvey and a touching tribute to legendary Yankees reliever Mariano Rivera, had me captivated from start to finish in a way the NHL All-Star Game never has.

Level of Play

The MLB’s version feels like a real baseball game, something the NHL will never manage to capture. Hockey is an inherently physical sport, meaning that in an exhibition involving the league’s most skilled players, the game has to be toned down to preserve player safety. That means no checking or playing the body, which translates into next to no defense. It doesn’t look or feel like NHL hockey and doesn’t capture the sport anywhere near its best.

Baseball players, on the other hand, can treat the All-Star Game like a competitive event without jeopardizing their seasons. As a result, fans get to see the best players performing at a high level, capturing the game of baseball at its peak. It’s the best hitters against the best pitchers with both sides giving it their all. The use of a whole pitching staff and bench only makes the game more interesting; it’s incredible the pressure managers face trying to give everyone their All-Star moments while also playing to win.

Uniforms

The baseball tradition of each player wearing his respective ball club’s uniform is fantastic. There’s something exciting about seeing a player from your favorite team representing that organization by wearing its colors. Meanwhile the wide array of different uniforms makes for a nice visual.

On the flip side, when was the last time the NHL put out decent All-Star jerseys. I mean, come on. These things are notorious for being hideous year after year. Having the players wear their own franchises’ uniforms wouldn’t work as well in hockey – where both teams are on the ice at the same time – as it does in baseball. Still, there’s definitely room for improvement by the NHL’s design team.

Significance

Baseball is a traditionalist’s game and traditionalists hate change. For this reason, a good chunk of the MLB’s fan base hates the fact that, as of 2003, home field advantage for the World Series has hinged on which league won that season’s All-Star Game. As a casual observer of baseball, I think it’s awesome. Listen to managers, players and the media talk about the MLB All-Star Game and you’ll see how seriously they take the outcome of the Mid-Summer Classic. If AL Manager Jim Leyland’s Tigers end up in the World Series, he’ll be thrilled that he led the All-Star team to victory back in July and same goes for the players.

Now by no means am I advocating hockey follow suit. The NHL All-Star Game, as previously stated, is not even close to being a real game. The worst thing the NHL could do would be to add Playoff implications to it. That said, without something to play for, the NHL can’t match the MLB.

Casual Fan Appeal

While I’m convinced the only people watching the NHL All-Star Game are hockey fans with nothing better to do – both because the game is on OLN Versus ESPN8:The Ocho NBCSN and because it’s just a terrible product – an All-Star Game should ideally appeal most to the casual fan. It’s the one game of the year in which an average sports fan might recognize the names of every player on both teams. But casual sports fans still want to see a competitive affair, something the NHL (along with the NBA and NFL for that matter) fails to offer. The the MLB consistently brings its A-Game.

The Olympics

MLB players don’t participate in the Olympics, but once every four years the NHL cancels its All-Star Game so its best players can play for their home countries in the Winter Olympics. Try finding me a hockey fan who prefers the All-Star Game to Olympic Hockey. It’s impossible. Who would rather watch guys half-ass it during a meaningless exhibition game than battle tooth-and-nail for a gold medal? It’s tough to care for the All-Star Game when the alternative is so much better.

So let’s just cancel this stupid thing…

Not so fast. While I don’t particularly care for the NHL All-Star Game, it’s probably a thrill for the host city and its fans, particularly those in attendance. Although it doesn’t compare to the Home Run Derby, the Skills Competition is still a fun opportunity for players to show off their skills that ISN’T THE SHOOTOUT. Finally, it’s one of the league’s premier events in terms of marketability and ad revenue (presumably) and might prevent the league from having to put together more blatant cash-grabs like the six outdoor games this upcoming season. On second thought, it probably won’t.

Spotted: Stanley Cup Beer Tap

Not quite drinking from the Cup itself, but maybe the next best thing.

Not quite drinking from the Cup itself, but maybe the next best thing.

Come across a sweet piece of hockey memorabilia in a local bar? Spot a goofy jersey on the concourse at the rink or at your local pizza joint? We want to see the hockey paraphernalia that makes your head turn for one reason or another. Send a picture with a brief back story/description to Alex@AlexMSilverman.com! 

Where: Percy’s Tavern, East Village, New York

When: Tuesday, July 16

Check out this awesome 2013 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs beer tap courtesy of Coors Light. Never in my life have I wanted a kegerator so badly!

Our research, which naturally led us to Puck Daddy, shows that Molson Coors  issued taps like these to 4,000 bars across the U.S. and 2,500 in Canada during the 2012 Playoffs. We’re not sure whether the beer distributor sent another wave in 2013 or if someone at Percy’s liked this one enough to keep it there for more than a year. Either way, it’s not too often that fans of either New York team see the Stanley Cup, so good on Percy’s for reminding us all what it looks like.

Want a Coors Cup of your own? Head over to Beer Avenue, where you can purchase the exact handle pictured for $249.99 or the Molson version for $279.99.

The Top EA Sports NHL Video Game Characters of All-Time

Fortunate enough to have a Super Nintendo as a youngen, I have been glued to the television screen, playing video game hockey since NHL ’93.

In the early days, I gained a competitive edge by tricking my younger sister into believing her team’s back-up goalie, “Pull”, was her best option. As the years went on, I moved up to whooping Silverman’s ass every Friday after High School (*Editor’s Note: BULLSHIT). Most recently, I could be found throwing my controller across my college dorm room out of frustration while playing online. I was all about the NHL video game series.

As we await the release of the latest installment of EA Sports’ NHL series, which will seemingly include an homage to past NHL series greatness, I counted down my personal favorite players to light the lamp with over the years. In no particular order, here are probably the 5 most unrealistic, overrated and misrepresented video game characters who have ever taken over my living room.

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NHL 93 – Cliff Ronning

Throughout his tenure as a Vancouver Canuck in the early 90’s, Cliff Ronning was a consistent 20-30 goal scorer. This was not the case in NHL 93. Ronning was the deadliest offensive weapon in hockey video game history, way ahead of any other name on this list. With one tap of the B-button, Ronning would be halfway down the ice and he was always a sure thing to bury a nasty one-timer. His NHL ’93 counterpart was so dominant that the name Ronning will be forever be more well-known as a video game character than as an actual human being. By far the most talented video game athlete ever created, and yes that includes your Create-A-Player self.

Most of the overly epic player-renderings on this list are more than likely the result of happenstance. But Cliff Ronning says his video game greatness was no accident; Our friends over at Puck Daddy discovered its true source:

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NHL 02 – David Legwand

The early 2000’s weren’t the NHL’s most scoring-filled years, so in order to give fans their fix, EA gifted us with David Legwand and his ridiculous one-timer skills. Pass this guy the puck anywhere on the ice surface in NHL ’02 and he’d slap that biscuit home with ease. Unmatched strength, precise accuracy and a wheelhouse the size of an Olympic swimming pool propelled the Predator forward into the next level. The former No. 2 overall pick only had only two campaigns of 50-plus points in his career, but the video game David Legwand could routinely tally 100-plus goals in season mode.

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NHL 09 – Byron Bitz

Size, puck control, speed, vision and a wicked wrister: Am I describing Zdeno Chara or Milan Lucic? No. I’m talking about another Bruin, albeit one who is no longer on the team or even in the NHL: the former 4th rounder out of Cornell, the NHL 09 version of Byron Bitz. Coming off arguably his best season — he potted a whopping 4 goals in 35 regular season games and added one more in 5 playoff games — the crew at EA Canada decided to give this guy an extra helping of boss sauce in NHL 09.

Don’t be deceived by his low overall rating and his spot on the Bruins’ depth chart, the ’09 video game Bitz was a diamond in the rough. At 6’5″, 215 lbs, Bitz was nearly impossible to knock off the puck. All you had to do was walk in, snipe and repeat. Yes, it was that simple.

NHL 03 – Saku Koivu

After returning to the Canadians at the end of the ’01-’02 season, having successfully beaten  Non-Hodgkin lymphoma, and leading his team past the heavily favored Bruins in the first round of the playoffs, the Montreal media was ready to anoint their captain as the next Habs legend. Apparently so were the programmers. Koivu was, and still is, a hero to the Montreal faithful, which must have included half the staff over at EA Canada.

The combination of the latest in deking technology and video-game Koivu’s new-found, unquenchable thirst to dangle filthily launched the Finnish center into EA sports immortality. Although the real Koivu posted a career best 71 points in the subsequent season, doubling those numbers would’ve been child’s play if he had nearly half the skills of his video game self.

NHL 94 – Jeremy Roenick

I’ll stick to my guns: ’93 Ronning is the best there’s ever been. But if anyone comes close it’s this guy.

Jeremy Roenick is well known for his skills on the ice. Today, he is identified by younger hockey fans as an analyst, small-time actor and overall badass (well at least until he cried on live television). In other words, Roenick transcends all realms of the entertainment industry. As one of the more recognizable American hockey players of his time, you’d expect JR to be the stud on an already-loaded Blackhawks roster in NHL ’94. Those expectations were well beyond exceeded. The pixelated, thumb-sized version of Roenick was a Super Nintendo mega-beast/borderline-god.

Forever cemented into video game history by this infamous scene in movie history in which he destroyed the great one himself, JR was sprung into EA Sports stardom.

This cemented video-game Roenick as “the guy behind the guy behind the guy.” Seriously, he was so f’n money.

Comments? Concerns? Questions? Answers? Opinions? Random gibberish? Go ahead and post your thoughts in the comment section.

Follow Joe Naftol on twitter: @JNaftol

Blues Fan: ‘Hate the Hawks, Respect the Cup’


The Chicago Blackhawks revolt me. The fact they won the Stanley Cup last month (is there a stronger word than revolts?) me. So when I found myself in Chicago this weekend, surrounded by Indian Heads, I tried to suppress the rage by gritting my teeth and pursing my lips. I’ve gotten over their Cup win to a certain extent. But still, seeing so much red and black was like watching someone next to you on a train or bus pick their nose. It’s disgusting, and you don’t want to acknowledge you saw it; you know it’s there, but try to convince yourself it’s not.

At Wrigley Field, before Saturday’s Pirates-Cubs game, Joel Quenneville took the Cup out to the mound, hoisted it and then threw out the first pitch. Of course, you probably expect that I’d almost have a stroke, if the mere sight of the logo caused me so much distress. Not to mention, it was our (the Blues’) former head coach. I didn’t have a stroke, nor did I boo. In fact, my response was mild and contemplative. At that moment, with Coach Q standing in a sacred place, fresh off a second Stanley Cup win in 4 years, the thought that overcame me was “Respect the Cup.”

In stride back to my seat, I stopped in my tracks. Immediately, I found a picturesque view of the field, “Because it’s the Cup.”

I know how hokey that phrase has become to us puckheads; it’s an easy punchline. But in this case, it rings true. That trophy, year after year, inspires such passion. Bergeron playing through the injury gauntlet. Niklas Hjalmarsson doing the exact same thing as Greg Campbell and getting 0% of the media coverage Campbell got. And on and on.

Not to mention the scores of fans the Cup consumes for 2 months every year. The memories we make and the fun we share as fans, in pursuit of it, are the ones we hold nearest to our hearts. It commands respect, no matter who won the Cup.

So I stood for a moment, stopping short of applauding (for the Blackhawks), and admired that any group of men could dedicate itself to something so thoroughly and passionately. No, they’re not dedicating their lives exactly, but we do get to watch their sacrifice play out on national TV, so it’s the best drama we got.

I declined to touch the Cup when I was at the Hall of Fame. A superstition, perhaps—the Blues have never won it— but a deference to the sheer effort poured into that Chalice. It’s called the greatest trophy in sports, but until Saturday, I had merely accepted that as fact. It wasn’t until I saw my rival hoisting it again that I understood why it’s the greatest trophy in sports.

Who would you rather party with: Patrick Kane or Tyler Seguin?

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Patrick Kane and Tyler Seguin are hockey’s undisputed top-two party animals. But which one would you rather party with?

Since the Boston Bruins’ decision to trade 21-year-old forward Tyler Seguin to the Dallas Stars due to concerns about his “professionalism” (and probably his lack of production in the Bruins’ recent Stanley Cup Finals loss), the Boston media has made sure to air Seguin’s dirty laundry. Without getting into which reports are true and which aren’t, the gist of it is that the 2nd-overall pick in 2010 likes to party, which the hockey world has known since he raged with his teammates after winning the cup as a 19-year-old rookie. Seguin made matters worse by allowing “a hacker,” more than likely one of his buddies, to tweet out a borderline-homophobic line from Full Metal Jacket mocking his new home state of Texas, where he will be playing for the Dallas Stars.

So while Seguin finds himself in hot water, fellow hockey party boy Patrick Kane must be on top of the world. Kane led his Blackhawks to a second Stanley Cup in four years and the NHL rewarded him with the Conn Smythe trophy, which goes annually to the MVP of the Playoffs.

How did Kane — three years Seguin’s elder — celebrate his triumph? By raging face, naturally.

Now, remember, Kane has caught his fair share of flack, especially prior to the Blackhawks’ 2010 Stanley Cup victory. But goals and wins are what count in the hockey business and that’s what Kane has consistently brought the Hawks.

But we’re not here to discuss whether there is a Seguin-Kane double standard or if it’s fair. The question we want answered here in Hockey Falls is “Who would you rather party with: Kane or Seguin?” Here are a few things to consider before voting in our Hockey Falls poll…

Style

This is truly a bro-tastic matchup for the ages, as the two bring very different party styles to the table.

“Frat. Frat. Frat.”

Patrick Kane would’ve loved college

On one hand, let’s revisit Kane’s infamous Cinco de Mayo bender in Madison, Wis. First, notice Patty’s truly frat-tastic homemade shirt (above) featuring a festive Spanish phrase that translates roughly to “Two Fives equals a Ten.” Yes, that’s Bro for “scoring with two ugly chicks is just as good as one hottie.” We’ll get to the caliber of Kaner’s female companions later, so consider this foreshadowing.

Over the course of the weekend, Deadspin readers claim to have witnessed Kane drunkenly passing out at a local bar, declaring girls “not good enough” to their faces, getting kicked out of a fraternity house for choking an uninterested female target, drinking beer “like a girl”, making anti-Semitic remarks and hooking up with a “Ten” to cap it all off.

So basically, Patty Kane doesn’t give a F*&%. He’ll show up unwelcome to your frat party after sleeping with your president’s girlfriend (again, per Deadspin), assault whoever the hell he wants to and then just head over to Kappa with another group of smoking hot college girls; Guy should’ve gone to college.

Tyler Seguin: The Shirtless Wonder

Peaking at 19?

When the Bruins won the Stanley Cup in 2011, Seguin became the youngest NHL player since 1955 to have his name engraved on the Stanley Cup. Imagine being 19 years old and reaching the summit of hockey greatness. I think it’s fair to say just about anyone would’ve guzzled and gamed their ass off, and that’s exactly what Seguin did.

Cameras captured Seguin contributing to the Bruins’ $156,000+ bar tab of infographic fame by opening wide as Grey Goose was poured down his throat and popping the cork off some champagne. Seguin and equally-shitfaced teammate Brad Marchand found time to dance shirtless together between posing for pictures, and who knows what else, with girl after girl.

Fast forward to this past weekend when the young Canadian threw a Cape Cod soiree for the 4th of July which, coincidentally, happened to be the day the Bruins traded him to the Stars. Once again, social media delivered a blow to Seguin’s reputation, but not before Seguin hosted what looks like an epic bash. The best documentation of the night came in the form of a video that shows Seguin in a frat tank and backwards trucker hat grinding on a female party guest.

In other words, Tyler Seguin is a pimp.

Bottom Line: Roll with Kaner and you might wind up in a bar fight. Schmooze with Seguin, and you’re bound to get lucky.

Trouble with the Law

Nothing kills a partier’s buzz quite like a run-in with the refs, I mean, cops. Of the two puck daddies in question, only Kane can attest to that. In 2009, after a night out in his hometown of Buffalo with his cousin James Kane, Kane was arrested and charged with second-degree robbery, fourth-degree criminal mischief and theft of services after assaulting and robbing a cab driver over a measly 20 cents. Kane ultimately got off with a slap on the wrist by pleading guilty to noncriminal disorderly conduct charges, but still, it was both a major headache an a low-point for the fallen party boy and his cousin/wing man.

As far as we know, Seguin has never seen a night of partying cut short by flashing lights in the rear view, despite the aforementioned, blatant underage drinking after winning the Cup in 2011. So, by default…

Edge: Seguin

Puck Bunnies

Here at Hockey Falls we generally frown upon the objectification of women based on looks. But when it’s for the purpose of objectifying two of the “brohans” likely doing some objectifying of their own, we’ll let it slide.

Seguin:

Kane:

 

So who would you rather party with? Vote in our poll and justify in the comments!

The July 5th Free Agency Day-Drinking Game for ‘MURICANS

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Suck it, Canada!

For the first time in years, unrestricted free agency in the NHL doesn’t start on Canada Day. In years past, Canadians got to turn on TSN, hide the remote and plant their Molson-guzzling asses in front of the TV, while fans South of the Border were left waiting for text message alerts at work or in class.

But this year, the Free Agent Frenzy begins on July 5th, meaning Americans can glue their eyes to ESPN OLN Versus NHL Network for the second day of their long weekends. U-S-A!

No American celebration is complete without day-drinking, so without further adieu, The July 5th Free Agency Day-Drinking Game for ‘MURICANS:

Sip your drink every time a free agent signs.

Take an additional sip of your drink if…

  • The first signing of the day is a forward or defenseman.
  • Jaromir Jagr signs with a team he hasn’t already played for.
  • The Flyers sign a goalie. (two sips if it’s Tim Thomas, three sips if it’s Tim Thomas to a multi-year deal)
  • In an interview on your network of choice, a player talks about how “excited I am for this new [opportunity/challenge/chapter in my career]”
  • One of the following players re-signs with his 2013 team:
    • Patrik Elias
    • Daniel Alfredsson
    • Teemu Selanne
    • Milan Hejduk
  • The Sabres begin their fire sale by unloading Ryan Miller, Thomas Vanek or  Tyler “Traffic Cone” Myers.
  • Seattle signs a marquis player to mark the new chapter in the franchise’s history

Take a shot if…

  • The first signing of the day is a goalie.
  • Mike Ribiero’s wife bitches on Twitter…again.
  • Danny Briere returns to Buffalo.
  • Tim Thomas signs a multi-year contract with a team other than the Flyers.
  • One of the following players is traded:
    • Marian Hossa
    • Tyler Seguin
    • Ales Hemsky
  • David Clarkson gets $5 million+/year.
  • A 2013 NHLer signs a KHL/European deal
  • The Islanders find yet another way to circumvent the salary floor.
  • An American media member beats the Canadian guys to a scoop (take a big pull from the bottle if it’s Eklund)

Pour some out for one’s homie if…

One of the following players retires:

  • Teemu Selanne
  • Jaromir Jagr
  • Adrian Aucoin
  • Daniel Alfreddson
  • Milan Hejduk
  • Brendan Morrow
  • Saku Koivu

Chug if…

  • CapGeek‘s server crashes, leaving fans and GMs alike wondering how much cap space their team has.
  • A GM finds a loophole in the CBA, and the panic of going through another lockout begins to set in.
  • The Islanders sign a player for more than $4 million/year.
  • The Canucks sign a goalie.
  • The Canucks trade Roberto Luongo.
  • The Flyers get under the salary cap.
  • Vinny Lecavalier backs out of his deal with the Flyers.

Stop playing and move on to harder drugs if…

  • Your team signs Rick DiPietro to an NHL contract.

Have ideas for more rules? Post in the comments and we’ll add them in!

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Game by Alex Silverman, Joey Naftol and Trevor Kraus