NHL ’14 Allows Players to Manage Off-Ice Actions

There isn’t much to be excited about here in Hockey Falls between now and when the puck drops on the upcoming NHL season. But we have September 10th circled on our calendar and are seriously considering taking off work. Because EA Sports’ NHL video game series, or ‘Chel’ to anyone who isn’t a freaking noob, is a possibly detrimental lifestyle choice and, as such, it would be unrealistic to expect to leave our couches on NHL 14’s release date.

In the game’s most recent trailer, EA Sports showed off Chel’s new “Live The Life” mode, which is basically the new and improved version of “Be A Pro.” Among the features trumpeted in the video, posted above, is the gamer’s ability to control his created player’s off-ice actions. Here’s the example from the video:

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Ask any NHLer what their favorite parts of being in the big leagues are and stuff like this is sure to be right at the top, so why not add interactions with obnoxious shitheads fans to the game? Good on you, EA Sports. We’re so excited for this game mode that we couldn’t help but dream up a few more COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL scenarios your player might experience while Living the Life.

Off-Ice Event #1

You and your cousin are out for an offseason night on the town when, too inebriated to drive, you decide to take a taxi cab. The fare is $14.80 and you give the cabbie $15. He informs you that he doesn’t have the $.20 change. What do you do?

X – You Respond: “That’s alright. Keep the change and here’s a nice tip for you.”

Δ – You Respond: “Do you know who I am?” and slam the door.

\square – You give the driver your address and tell him to send you a check.

O – You assault the driver by punching him, breaking his glasses, leaving him with cuts and bruises and, of course, taking back your cab fare before fleeing into the nearby park.

Off-Ice Event #2

Your team has just won the Stanley Cup and now it’s time to celebrate! You and your teammates go out to some of the hottest nightclubs in town and, oh boy, is the booze flowing. Your captain is over about to pop the cork off a $100,000 bottle of champagne while another shirtless teammate pours Grey Goose down the underage rookie’s throat. So what’s it going to be, Champ?

X – You respond: “Shots! Shots! Shots!”

Δ – You respond: “Budweiser.” It’s the King, after all.

\square – Are there any girls around? *Looks both ways* You respond: “I’ll take an Amstel Light.”

O – You respond: “I’ll just have a water.” Way to be a role model for the fans! 

Off-Ice Event #3

The next game on the schedule is one you’ve secretly been looking forward to. Your ex-girlfriend, a super-hot B-list actress, just started dating the other team’s star defenseman. You arrive at the morning skate and you’re already seething with jealousy. How do you handle this situation?

X – You respond by holding your tongue and being the bigger man. You’ll settle the score where it really counts: on the scoreboard.

Δ – You seek out the first TV camera you see upon arriving at the arena and make a quick passive-aggressive remark before hitting the ice. “I just wanted to comment on how it’s become a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my Sloppy Seconds. I don’t know what that’s about.”

\square – You head over to the opposing locker room to talk things out man-to-man.

O – Sure he’s bigger, stronger and probably far superior in the sack, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take him. You save that anger for the ice where you drop the gloves and settle things like hockey players.

Off-Ice Event #4

Your team won the Stanley Cup last season and you were the star of the show. You won the Conn Smythe trophy and are widely regarded as one of the best players at your position. Now, a few months later, it’s your team’s day to visit the White House. Problem is, you don’t really like the President’s policies. Still, team ownership is begging you to hold your tongue and go. What do you do?

X – Go to the White House, of course. After all, it’s an honor to be invited to the White House by the President of the United States, regardless of who that is.

Δ – Refuse to attend the White House and going on a political rant via Facebook about your popular, non-fascist beliefs about the dangers of big government.

\square – Go to the White House, put on a fake smile and when everyone least expects it, take a swing at the Commander-in-Chief. You might get suspended or arrested, but you were planning on taking a politically charged sabbatical anyway, so what the hell.

O – Go to the White House, but don’t let the President get a word in edgewise. Instead, whenever tries to talk, start screaming like a raving lunatic about the country’s current crash course.

Off-Ice Event #5

You’ve been traded to the New York Islanders. Man, those guys suck. Sure, your hometown team was low-balling you by a whopping $500,000 and aren’t in playoff contention, but you never thought those bastards would actually trade you. What the hell? What do you do?

X – You tweet about how much your hometown team is going to suck without you.

Δ – You tell the media that you’re looking forward to the next chapter of your career.

\square – You thank the fans in your hometown for supporting you for all those good years.

O – Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

We’re sure this is just the tip of the iceberg, so if you can think up any COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL situations for the “Live the Life” mode, put them in the comments!

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The July 5th Free Agency Day-Drinking Game for ‘MURICANS

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Suck it, Canada!

For the first time in years, unrestricted free agency in the NHL doesn’t start on Canada Day. In years past, Canadians got to turn on TSN, hide the remote and plant their Molson-guzzling asses in front of the TV, while fans South of the Border were left waiting for text message alerts at work or in class.

But this year, the Free Agent Frenzy begins on July 5th, meaning Americans can glue their eyes to ESPN OLN Versus NHL Network for the second day of their long weekends. U-S-A!

No American celebration is complete without day-drinking, so without further adieu, The July 5th Free Agency Day-Drinking Game for ‘MURICANS:

Sip your drink every time a free agent signs.

Take an additional sip of your drink if…

  • The first signing of the day is a forward or defenseman.
  • Jaromir Jagr signs with a team he hasn’t already played for.
  • The Flyers sign a goalie. (two sips if it’s Tim Thomas, three sips if it’s Tim Thomas to a multi-year deal)
  • In an interview on your network of choice, a player talks about how “excited I am for this new [opportunity/challenge/chapter in my career]”
  • One of the following players re-signs with his 2013 team:
    • Patrik Elias
    • Daniel Alfredsson
    • Teemu Selanne
    • Milan Hejduk
  • The Sabres begin their fire sale by unloading Ryan Miller, Thomas Vanek or  Tyler “Traffic Cone” Myers.
  • Seattle signs a marquis player to mark the new chapter in the franchise’s history

Take a shot if…

  • The first signing of the day is a goalie.
  • Mike Ribiero’s wife bitches on Twitter…again.
  • Danny Briere returns to Buffalo.
  • Tim Thomas signs a multi-year contract with a team other than the Flyers.
  • One of the following players is traded:
    • Marian Hossa
    • Tyler Seguin
    • Ales Hemsky
  • David Clarkson gets $5 million+/year.
  • A 2013 NHLer signs a KHL/European deal
  • The Islanders find yet another way to circumvent the salary floor.
  • An American media member beats the Canadian guys to a scoop (take a big pull from the bottle if it’s Eklund)

Pour some out for one’s homie if…

One of the following players retires:

  • Teemu Selanne
  • Jaromir Jagr
  • Adrian Aucoin
  • Daniel Alfreddson
  • Milan Hejduk
  • Brendan Morrow
  • Saku Koivu

Chug if…

  • CapGeek‘s server crashes, leaving fans and GMs alike wondering how much cap space their team has.
  • A GM finds a loophole in the CBA, and the panic of going through another lockout begins to set in.
  • The Islanders sign a player for more than $4 million/year.
  • The Canucks sign a goalie.
  • The Canucks trade Roberto Luongo.
  • The Flyers get under the salary cap.
  • Vinny Lecavalier backs out of his deal with the Flyers.

Stop playing and move on to harder drugs if…

  • Your team signs Rick DiPietro to an NHL contract.

Have ideas for more rules? Post in the comments and we’ll add them in!

….

Game by Alex Silverman, Joey Naftol and Trevor Kraus