NHL ’14 Allows Players to Manage Off-Ice Actions

There isn’t much to be excited about here in Hockey Falls between now and when the puck drops on the upcoming NHL season. But we have September 10th circled on our calendar and are seriously considering taking off work. Because EA Sports’ NHL video game series, or ‘Chel’ to anyone who isn’t a freaking noob, is a possibly detrimental lifestyle choice and, as such, it would be unrealistic to expect to leave our couches on NHL 14’s release date.

In the game’s most recent trailer, EA Sports showed off Chel’s new “Live The Life” mode, which is basically the new and improved version of “Be A Pro.” Among the features trumpeted in the video, posted above, is the gamer’s ability to control his created player’s off-ice actions. Here’s the example from the video:

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Ask any NHLer what their favorite parts of being in the big leagues are and stuff like this is sure to be right at the top, so why not add interactions with obnoxious shitheads fans to the game? Good on you, EA Sports. We’re so excited for this game mode that we couldn’t help but dream up a few more COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL scenarios your player might experience while Living the Life.

Off-Ice Event #1

You and your cousin are out for an offseason night on the town when, too inebriated to drive, you decide to take a taxi cab. The fare is $14.80 and you give the cabbie $15. He informs you that he doesn’t have the $.20 change. What do you do?

X – You Respond: “That’s alright. Keep the change and here’s a nice tip for you.”

Δ – You Respond: “Do you know who I am?” and slam the door.

\square – You give the driver your address and tell him to send you a check.

O – You assault the driver by punching him, breaking his glasses, leaving him with cuts and bruises and, of course, taking back your cab fare before fleeing into the nearby park.

Off-Ice Event #2

Your team has just won the Stanley Cup and now it’s time to celebrate! You and your teammates go out to some of the hottest nightclubs in town and, oh boy, is the booze flowing. Your captain is over about to pop the cork off a $100,000 bottle of champagne while another shirtless teammate pours Grey Goose down the underage rookie’s throat. So what’s it going to be, Champ?

X – You respond: “Shots! Shots! Shots!”

Δ – You respond: “Budweiser.” It’s the King, after all.

\square – Are there any girls around? *Looks both ways* You respond: “I’ll take an Amstel Light.”

O – You respond: “I’ll just have a water.” Way to be a role model for the fans! 

Off-Ice Event #3

The next game on the schedule is one you’ve secretly been looking forward to. Your ex-girlfriend, a super-hot B-list actress, just started dating the other team’s star defenseman. You arrive at the morning skate and you’re already seething with jealousy. How do you handle this situation?

X – You respond by holding your tongue and being the bigger man. You’ll settle the score where it really counts: on the scoreboard.

Δ – You seek out the first TV camera you see upon arriving at the arena and make a quick passive-aggressive remark before hitting the ice. “I just wanted to comment on how it’s become a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my Sloppy Seconds. I don’t know what that’s about.”

\square – You head over to the opposing locker room to talk things out man-to-man.

O – Sure he’s bigger, stronger and probably far superior in the sack, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take him. You save that anger for the ice where you drop the gloves and settle things like hockey players.

Off-Ice Event #4

Your team won the Stanley Cup last season and you were the star of the show. You won the Conn Smythe trophy and are widely regarded as one of the best players at your position. Now, a few months later, it’s your team’s day to visit the White House. Problem is, you don’t really like the President’s policies. Still, team ownership is begging you to hold your tongue and go. What do you do?

X – Go to the White House, of course. After all, it’s an honor to be invited to the White House by the President of the United States, regardless of who that is.

Δ – Refuse to attend the White House and going on a political rant via Facebook about your popular, non-fascist beliefs about the dangers of big government.

\square – Go to the White House, put on a fake smile and when everyone least expects it, take a swing at the Commander-in-Chief. You might get suspended or arrested, but you were planning on taking a politically charged sabbatical anyway, so what the hell.

O – Go to the White House, but don’t let the President get a word in edgewise. Instead, whenever tries to talk, start screaming like a raving lunatic about the country’s current crash course.

Off-Ice Event #5

You’ve been traded to the New York Islanders. Man, those guys suck. Sure, your hometown team was low-balling you by a whopping $500,000 and aren’t in playoff contention, but you never thought those bastards would actually trade you. What the hell? What do you do?

X – You tweet about how much your hometown team is going to suck without you.

Δ – You tell the media that you’re looking forward to the next chapter of your career.

\square – You thank the fans in your hometown for supporting you for all those good years.

O – Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

We’re sure this is just the tip of the iceberg, so if you can think up any COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL situations for the “Live the Life” mode, put them in the comments!

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