Since the Boston Bruins’ decision to trade 21-year-old forward Tyler Seguin to the Dallas Stars due to concerns about his “professionalism” (and probably his lack of production in the Bruins’ recent Stanley Cup Finals loss), the Boston media has made sure to air Seguin’s dirty laundry. Without getting into which reports are true and which aren’t, the gist of it is that the 2nd-overall pick in 2010 likes to party, which the hockey world has known since he raged with his teammates after winning the cup as a 19-year-old rookie. Seguin made matters worse by allowing “a hacker,” more than likely one of his buddies, to tweet out a borderline-homophobic line from Full Metal Jacket mocking his new home state of Texas, where he will be playing for the Dallas Stars.
So while Seguin finds himself in hot water, fellow hockey party boy Patrick Kane must be on top of the world. Kane led his Blackhawks to a second Stanley Cup in four years and the NHL rewarded him with the Conn Smythe trophy, which goes annually to the MVP of the Playoffs.
How did Kane — three years Seguin’s elder — celebrate his triumph? By raging face, naturally.
Now, remember, Kane has caught his fair share of flack, especially prior to the Blackhawks’ 2010 Stanley Cup victory. But goals and wins are what count in the hockey business and that’s what Kane has consistently brought the Hawks.
But we’re not here to discuss whether there is a Seguin-Kane double standard or if it’s fair. The question we want answered here in Hockey Falls is “Who would you rather party with: Kane or Seguin?” Here are a few things to consider before voting in our Hockey Falls poll…
This is truly a bro-tastic matchup for the ages, as the two bring very different party styles to the table.
Patrick Kane would’ve loved college
On one hand, let’s revisit Kane’s infamous Cinco de Mayo bender in Madison, Wis. First, notice Patty’s truly frat-tastic homemade shirt (above) featuring a festive Spanish phrase that translates roughly to “Two Fives equals a Ten.” Yes, that’s Bro for “scoring with two ugly chicks is just as good as one hottie.” We’ll get to the caliber of Kaner’s female companions later, so consider this foreshadowing.
Over the course of the weekend, Deadspin readers claim to have witnessed Kane drunkenly passing out at a local bar, declaring girls “not good enough” to their faces, getting kicked out of a fraternity house for choking an uninterested female target, drinking beer “like a girl”, making anti-Semitic remarks and hooking up with a “Ten” to cap it all off.
So basically, Patty Kane doesn’t give a F*&%. He’ll show up unwelcome to your frat party after sleeping with your president’s girlfriend (again, per Deadspin), assault whoever the hell he wants to and then just head over to Kappa with another group of smoking hot college girls; Guy should’ve gone to college.
Tyler Seguin: The Shirtless Wonder
When the Bruins won the Stanley Cup in 2011, Seguin became the youngest NHL player since 1955 to have his name engraved on the Stanley Cup. Imagine being 19 years old and reaching the summit of hockey greatness. I think it’s fair to say just about anyone would’ve guzzled and gamed their ass off, and that’s exactly what Seguin did.
Cameras captured Seguin contributing to the Bruins’ $156,000+ bar tab of infographic fame by opening wide as Grey Goose was poured down his throat and popping the cork off some champagne. Seguin and equally-shitfaced teammate Brad Marchand found time to dance shirtless together between posing for pictures, and who knows what else, with girl after girl.
Fast forward to this past weekend when the young Canadian threw a Cape Cod soiree for the 4th of July which, coincidentally, happened to be the day the Bruins traded him to the Stars. Once again, social media delivered a blow to Seguin’s reputation, but not before Seguin hosted what looks like an epic bash. The best documentation of the night came in the form of a video that shows Seguin in a frat tank and backwards trucker hat grinding on a female party guest.
In other words, Tyler Seguin is a pimp.
Bottom Line: Roll with Kaner and you might wind up in a bar fight. Schmooze with Seguin, and you’re bound to get lucky.
Trouble with the Law
Nothing kills a partier’s buzz quite like a run-in with the refs, I mean, cops. Of the two puck daddies in question, only Kane can attest to that. In 2009, after a night out in his hometown of Buffalo with his cousin James Kane, Kane was arrested and charged with second-degree robbery, fourth-degree criminal mischief and theft of services after assaulting and robbing a cab driver over a measly 20 cents. Kane ultimately got off with a slap on the wrist by pleading guilty to noncriminal disorderly conduct charges, but still, it was both a major headache an a low-point for the fallen party boy and his cousin/wing man.
As far as we know, Seguin has never seen a night of partying cut short by flashing lights in the rear view, despite the aforementioned, blatant underage drinking after winning the Cup in 2011. So, by default…
Here at Hockey Falls we generally frown upon the objectification of women based on looks. But when it’s for the purpose of objectifying two of the “brohans” likely doing some objectifying of their own, we’ll let it slide.
So who would you rather party with? Vote in our poll and justify in the comments!