Bang for the Buck: Which teams got the best value in 2012-13?

NHL teams’ payrolls have been capped for nearly a decade now, limiting the disparity between the big-market giants and their small-market counterparts. Still, the Philadelphia Flyers, who had the highest payroll in the league last season, spent over $23 million more than the NHL-owned Phoenix Coyotes. But the money didn’t matter: neither made the playoffs, and Phoenix actually finished two points ahead of Philly in the final standings. Did the teams that made it rain in 2013 get any bang for their buck? Let’s find out.

Here, courtesy of CapGeek, are the payrolls for every NHL team this past season:

	Team	Spending (USD)
1.	Philadelphia Flyers »	$72,549,431
2.	Vancouver Canucks »	$70,456,167
3.	Minnesota Wild »	$70,120,744
4.	New York Rangers »	$68,711,221
5.	Chicago Blackhawks »	$67,343,544
6.	Montreal Canadiens »	$66,857,720
7.	Pittsburgh Penguins »	$66,739,133
8.	San Jose Sharks »	$66,370,996
9.	Boston Bruins »	$64,486,562
10.	Tampa Bay Lightning »	$64,082,929
11.	Washington Capitals »	$64,053,698
12.	Toronto Maple Leafs »	$63,249,222
13.	Detroit Red Wings »	$62,823,032
14.	Los Angeles Kings »	$62,025,799
15.	Buffalo Sabres »	$61,437,023
16.	Calgary Flames »	$61,027,990
17.	New Jersey Devils »	$59,269,410
18.	Winnipeg Jets »	$58,447,941
19.	Florida Panthers »	$57,463,086
20.	Carolina Hurricanes »	$57,237,054
21.	Anaheim Ducks »	$56,931,061
22.	Colorado Avalanche »	$55,641,465
23.	Dallas Stars »	$53,967,129
24.	Columbus Blue Jackets »	$53,893,247
25.	Ottawa Senators »	$53,806,372
26.	Nashville Predators »	$53,723,203
27.	Edmonton Oilers »	$53,648,971
28.	New York Islanders »	$53,004,108
29.	St. Louis Blues »	$52,185,361
30.	Phoenix Coyotes »	$49,438,632

And here, courtesy of NHL.com, are the final standings for the 2013 season. Note that despite conference affiliations, the top 16 teams in the league turned out to be the 16 that made the playoffs.

Rank		DIV	GP	W	L	OT	P
1	p – Chicago	CEN	48	36	7	5	77
2	z – Pittsburgh	ATL	48	36	12	0	72
3	y – Anaheim	PAC	48	30	12	6	66
4	y – Montréal	NE	48	29	14	5	63
5	x – Boston	NE	48	28	14	6	62
6	x – St. Louis	CEN	48	29	17	2	60
7	x – Los Angeles	PAC	48	27	16	5	59
8	y – Vancouver	NW	48	26	15	7	59
9	x – Toronto	NE	48	26	17	5	57
10	y – Washington	SE	48	27	18	3	57
11	x – San Jose	PAC	48	25	16	7	57
12	x – NY Rangers	ATL	48	26	18	4	56
13	x – Detroit	CEN	48	24	16	8	56
14	x – Ottawa	NE	48	25	17	6	56
15	x – Minnesota	NW	48	26	19	3	55
16	x – NY Islanders	ATL	48	24	17	7	55
17	Columbus	CEN	48	24	17	7	55
18	Winnipeg	SE	48	24	21	3	51
19	Phoenix	PAC	48	21	18	9	51
20	Philadelphia	ATL	48	23	22	3	49
21	Dallas	PAC	48	22	22	4	48
22	New Jersey	ATL	48	19	19	10	48
23	Buffalo	NE	48	21	21	6	48
24	Edmonton	NW	48	19	22	7	45
25	Calgary	NW	48	19	25	4	42
26	Carolina	SE	48	19	25	4	42
27	Nashville	CEN	48	16	23	9	41
28	Tampa Bay	SE	48	18	26	4	40
29	Colorado	NW	48	16	25	7	39
30	Florida	SE	48	15	27	6	36

Now, let’s see which teams got the  best value. Playoff teams are in bold.

	Team	Spending (USD)	Points	USD Spent/Point
1	Anaheim Ducks	$56,931,061	66	$862,591.83
2	St. Louis Blues	$52,185,361	60	$869,756.02
3	Chicago Blackhawks	$67,343,544	77	$874,591.48
4	Pittsburgh Penguins	$66,739,133	72	$926,932.40
5	Ottawa Senators	$53,806,372	56	$960,828.07
6	New York Islanders	$53,004,108	55	$963,711.05
7	Phoenix Coyotes	$49,438,632	51	$969,384.94
8	Columbus Blue Jackets	$53,893,247	55	$979,877.22
9	Boston Bruins	$64,486,562	62	$1,040,105.84
10	Los Angeles Kings	$62,025,799	59	$1,051,284.73
11	Montreal Canadiens	$66,857,720	63	$1,061,233.65
12	Toronto Maple Leafs	$63,249,222	57	$1,109,635.47
13	Detroit Red Wings	$62,823,032	56	$1,121,839.86
14	Washington Capitals	$64,053,698	57	$1,123,749.09
15	Dallas Stars	$53,967,129	48	$1,124,315.19
16	Winnipeg Jets	$58,447,941	51	$1,146,038.06
17	San Jose Sharks	$66,370,996	57	$1,164,403.44
18	Edmonton Oilers	$53,648,971	45	$1,192,199.36
19	Vancouver Canucks	$70,456,167	59	$1,194,172.32
20	New York Rangers	$68,711,221	56	$1,226,986.09
21	New Jersey Devils	$59,269,410	48	$1,234,779.38
22	Minnesota Wild	$70,120,744	55	$1,274,922.62
23	Buffalo Sabres	$61,437,023	48	$1,279,937.98
24	Nashville Predators	$53,723,203	41	$1,310,322.02
25	Carolina Hurricanes	$57,237,054	42	$1,362,787.00
26	Colorado Avalanche	$55,641,465	39	$1,426,704.23
27	Calgary Flames	$61,027,990	42	$1,453,047.38
28	Philadelphia Flyers	$72,549,431	49	$1,480,600.63
29	Florida Panthers	$57,463,086	36	$1,596,196.83
30	Tampa Bay Lightning	$64,082,929	40	$1,602,073.23

Finally, let’s take a look at the differential between teams’ spending positions and their standings positions:

Position Differential Rank	Team	Spending Position	Standings Position	Position Differential
1	St. Louis Blues	29	6	+23
2	Anaheim Ducks	21	3	+18
3	New York Islanders	28	16	+12
t4	Ottawa Senators	25	14	+11
t4	Phoenix Coyotes	30	19	+11
t6	Columbus Blue Jackets	24	17	+7
t6	Los Angeles Kings	14	7	+7
8	Pittsburgh Penguins	7	2	+5
t9	Chicago Blackhawks	5	1	+4
t9	Boston Bruins	9	5	+4
t11	Toronto Maple Leafs	12	9	+3
t11	Edmonton Oilers	27	24	+3
t13	Montreal Canadiens	6	4	+2
t13	Dallas Stars	23	21	+2
15	Washington Capitals	11	10	+1
t16	Detroit Red Wings	13	13	0
t16	Winnipeg Jets	18	18	0
18	Nashville Predators	26	27	-1
19	San Jose Sharks	8	11	-3
20	New Jersey Devils	17	22	-5
t21	Vancouver Canucks	2	8	-6
t21	Carolina Hurricanes	20	26	-6
23	Colorado Avalanche	22	29	-7
t24	New York Rangers	4	12	-8
t24	Buffalo Sabres	15	23	-8
26	Calgary Flames	16	25	-9
27	Florida Panthers	19	30	-11
28	Minnesota Wild	3	15	-12
29	Tampa Bay Lightning	10	28	-18
30	Philadelphia Flyers	1	20	-19

So what can we take away from all these numbers and charts?

• Despite making the playoffs, one might have expected the Sharks, Canucks, Rangers and Wild to accrue more points and make deeper runs.
• Payroll-wise, the Coyotes and Blue Jackets overachieved big-time despite missing the playoffs.
• Only two of the ten highest-spending teams — the Flyers and Lightning — missed the playoffs.
• Three of the ten lowest-spending teams — the Ducks, Islanders and Blues — made the playoffs.
  • None of the three made it past the first round.

    EDIT: Reader Matt spots an error in our analysis:

  “4 of the bottom 10 spending teams made the playoffs…. And the one you missed also made it to the second round… the Ottawa Senators.”

Let’s check out, as of today, how much each NHL team will be spending in 2013-14, again courtesy of CapGeek:

	Team		Salary Payroll	Cap Payroll
1.	Philadelphia Flyers »		$76,194,117	$69,153,522
2.	Boston Bruins »		$65,440,000	$70,223,810
3.	Pittsburgh Penguins »		$70,810,000	$65,398,333
4.	Detroit Red Wings »		$68,200,000	$67,947,879
5.	San Jose Sharks »		$63,756,666	$65,131,667
6.	Los Angeles Kings »		$68,810,000	$64,386,894
7.	Edmonton Oilers »		$58,841,666	$67,774,167
8.	Chicago Blackhawks »		$67,760,000	$62,946,795
9.	Columbus Blue Jackets »		$60,976,667	$66,808,809
10.	New York Rangers »		$65,226,666	$62,881,667
11.	Winnipeg Jets »		$57,701,000	$63,201,357
12.	Dallas Stars »		$58,368,334	$62,993,611
13.	Tampa Bay Lightning »		$64,953,572	$63,990,477
14.	Minnesota Wild »		$67,152,778	$65,265,534
15.	Montreal Canadiens »		$64,465,000	$63,610,833
16.	Anaheim Ducks »		$57,145,000	$62,795,833
17.	Vancouver Canucks »		$64,489,000	$59,952,778
18.	Nashville Predators »		$62,326,666	$62,862,976
19.	Carolina Hurricanes »		$59,365,000	$59,425,000
20.	Toronto Maple Leafs »		$58,996,434	$59,704,167
21.	Washington Capitals »		$56,725,000	$58,634,295
22.	Phoenix Coyotes »		$52,300,000	$58,176,667
23.	St. Louis Blues »		$56,991,667	$57,925,833
24.	Calgary Flames »		$51,717,500	$57,321,250
25.	New Jersey Devils »		$55,383,333	$59,720,834
26.	Colorado Avalanche »		$55,565,000	$58,833,333
27.	Buffalo Sabres »		$54,745,833	$54,645,357
28.	Ottawa Senators »		$50,877,500	$53,835,833
29.	Florida Panthers »		$50,176,209	$57,140,375
30.	New York Islanders »		$44,431,500	$49,496,976

Who do you think will outperform their payroll in 2013-14? Who is spending the most on a pile of crap? Tell us in the comments!

Related Reading:

Panther Parkway lists the NHL’s five best “Puck for Your Buck” Contracts

Sports Illustrated looks at the smartest deals of the summer

Elliotte Friedman said today that some within hockey circles believe the cap could rise to as high as $80 million by 2017-18

ROAD TRIPPIN’: PART 3 OF YOUR TEAM-BY-TEAM GUIDE TO 2013-14′S BEST NHL ADVENTURES

In case you missed it, check out Part One and Part Two of our 2013-14 NHL Road Trippin’ guide.

Despite a not-so-brief work-related detour, we’ve arrived at the third and final installment of our 2013-14 NHL Road Trippin’ guide. Needless to say, we’re starting to feel like our Hockey Falls predecessors:

Nevertheless, we have soldiered on and planned itineraries for the patient fans of the late-in-the-alphabet teams (no, that’s not one of Bettman’s new divisions). If you’re new to the series, be sure to check out our Rules of the Roadtrip, which has some helpful tips you oughta read before you hit the road.

And while we’re here, we’d like to wish our fellow Puckheads luck surviving August, which everyone knows is a hockey fan’s most devastating month on the calendar. It’s that time between free agency and training camp that just makes us squirm. Keep coming back to Hockey Falls, as we’ll be doing our best to help you through this dark time. See you on the other side.

Philadelphia Flyers

Depart Philly: January 12

Return to Philly: January 15

Distance: 865 miles

Gas: $148

Driving Time: 14 hours, 1 minute

Games: 2

Want to see a lot of goals? Don’t care which net they end up in? Then, dear Flyers fan, this trip is for you! A thin blue line and laughable goaltending tandem shouldn’t stop Flyers fans from catching a couple of games in the Empire State this January. On Sunday, January 12th, drive up to New York City for a Metropolitan (!?!?) Division rivalry game between the Rangers and Flyers. Spend Monday in NYC, then wake up early on Tuesday and make the journey out to Buffalo for the game that night. Fill up on wings before heading back to Philly on Wednesday.

Phoenix Coyotes

Depart Phoenix: November 2

Return to Phoenix: November 7

Distance: 1422 miles

Gas: $244

Driving Time: 20 hours, 48 minutes

Games: 2

Hello….is there anybody in there? If there happen to be any of those mythical creatures called Coyotes fans reading, have we got a trip for you! It starts early in the morning on Saturday, November 2nd, when you’ll head to San Jose to see the best looking hockey player in the league.  Wait, he doesn’t play for them anymore? Well, if driving 10 hours to see a mere hockey game still sounds enticing, catch the game that night and then spend the next 3 days enjoying beautiful California, from the north to the south before you see Coyotes-Ducks on Wednesday the 6th in Anaheim. Head back home after the game and hope the team hasn’t lost another owner while you were in the car.

Pittsburgh Penguins

Depart Pittsburgh: April 30

Return to Pittsburgh: May 5

Distance: 1480 miles

Gas: $254

Driving Time: 22 hours, 7 minutes

Games: 2 (1 outdoor/1 indoor)

One of the perks of rooting for Sidney Crosby’s team — other than, you know, watching Sidney Crosby — is that your club gets to take part in all the cool stuff the league does. Such is the case on Saturday, March 1st, when the Pens will play the defending Cup champs at Soldier Field in Chicago. If you’re a Pens fan, make sure you don’t miss that one, and as long as you’re there, you might as well dart south to see Pens-Preds in Nashville on the 4th before heading back to the three rivers after the game.

San Jose Sharks

Depart San Jose: April 30

Return to San Jose: May 5

Distance: 2892 miles

Gas: $496

Driving Time: 47 hours, 28 minutes

Games: 2

Unfortunately, the good people making the NHL schedule didn’t have Sharks fans in mind when they put together this year’s edition. The Sharks will travel more miles in 2013-14 than any other NHL team, and unlike you, they’re stuck on cushy, lavish charter jets instead of enjoying the open road. There’s no  simple LA-ANA-PHX stretch, so instead, we’re sending Sharks fans up north. If you leave on Monday, November 11th in the morning, you’ll get to Calgary by the next night and get to see the Yotes and Flames play in a game you’ll surely hear about on ESPN the next morning. You’ll have all of the 13th to drive to Vancouver and enjoy the beautiful Canadian landscape before Sharks-Canucks on the 14th. You could go back to Edmonton for the next night, but since you’ll already be right near the U.S. border, just head home and watch it on TV in San Jose.

St. Louis Blues

Depart St. Louis: March 19

Return to St. Louis: March 24

Distance: 1948 miles

Gas: $334

Driving Time: 29 hours, 45 minutes

Games: 3

The Blues get that awesome New York triplet of games, (and that’s one I’ll be doing for sure), but since we’ve already used that setup in our guides, we’ll get more creative here. For example, on Wednesday, March 19th, you could go see the Blues and Blackhawks rekindle an always-fun rivalry. Since you’re already in that direction, keep going east and be in Philly the night of Saturday, March 22nd to see two 1967 expansion teams in a matinee. Just 21 hours after the game ends, the Blues are in Pittsburgh to play the Pens, yet another 1967 matchup. If you hustle, you can get back to St. Louis by the wee hours of Monday morning and load up on caffeine to get through the day at work or school.

***Bonus road trip: If you’re willing and able to miss Thanksgiving with the family in exchange for a crazy week of driving, listen up: Leave St. Louis on Tuesday, November 26th for Denver to see Blues-Avs the next night. Continue westward, stop at a grocery store and grab a turkey sandwich on Thursday, and get to San Jose for Friday night, the 29th. It’s Blues-Sharks On Sunday, December 1st, the Rams play the 49ers just across the Bay in San Francisco. Stick around for that game, then head south to Los Angeles for Blues-Kings on Monday. It’s a full day’s drive back to St. Louis, but after 3 hockey games and a football game, your adrenaline will be pumping enough to get you home.

Tampa Bay Lightning

Depart Tampa: February 27

Return to Tampa: March 2

Distance: 2457 miles

Gas: $422

Driving Time: 35 hours, 50 minutes

Games: 2

Right after the Olympic break, on Thursday, February 27th, the Bolts head to Nashville to take on the Preds. After enduring 3 whole weeks without NHL hockey, get back to the game you love (and the team that, by this point in the year, you probably hate) in style by making the 10-hour drive, with a stop in Atlanta if you’ve never been to The Varsity or feel like investigating the farfetched myth that there was once a hockey team that played there (wait, that happened?). See the game that night, then take your sweet time drifting through Memphis and Little Rock on the way to Dallas, for Lightning-Stars on Saturday, March 1st. Hug the Gulf Coast on the way back to Dallas. You’ll get there by Sunday evening if you leave after the game.

Toronto Maple Leafs

Depart Toronto: January 8

Return to Toronto: January 11

Distance: 1461 miles

Gas: $251

Driving Time: 25 hours, 5 minutes

Games: 2

A pretty easy, long-weekend road trip for the Leafs, as long as their fans haven’t rioted and killed Dave Nonis by the time January 9th rolls around. That’s when the Leafs square off against the Carolina Hurricanes in Raleigh, only a 12 hour drive south. The next night, Friday the 10th, the Leafs are in DC, which is right on the way back to Toronto.

Vancouver Canucks

Depart Vancouver: January 11

Return to Vancouver: January 18

Distance: 3179 miles

Gas: $545

Driving Time: 48 hours, 34 minutes

Games: 3

Canucks fans get to take a trip to Southern California and Arizona in mid-January. Leave on Sunday, January 11th and head down the Pacific Coast to Los Angeles, for an early litmus test in the Western Conference against the Kings on the 12th. If the Sedin Sisters can’t get the job done at Staples, we advise you refrain from rioting; the LAPD won’t let that shit fly. Moving on, the ‘Nucks get the Ducks on Wednesday the 15th at Arrowhead Pond the Honda Center *sigh* and then play the Coyotes in Phoenix the next night. Gird your loins right after the game for a 23-hour hike through Nevada, Idaho, Oregon, and Washington to get back home. Or, if you’d rather extend your bender vacation, stop in Sin City on the way back. But word of advice: no matter how well you think you know hockey, DO NOT parlay NHL games…you have been warned.

Washington Capitals

Depart D.C.: January 24

Return to D.C.: February 1

Distance: 2023 miles

Gas: $347

Driving Time: 31 hours, 43 minutes

Games: 5

This five-city tour might be the best of the bunch, fitting for followers of the defending Hart Trophy winner. Believe it or not, you won’t rack up too many miles even while following your team around like some dirty hippies on Phish tour. Leave the District of Columbia on the morning of Friday, January 24th and head to the New Jersey to catch Caps-Devils at the Rock. Hit the Jersey Turnpike and head due North to Montreal, where you’ll catch Les Habitants à Centre Bell. Spend the rest of the weekend in Montreal, which we hear is one of the most gorgeous cities in the league, before making your way back across the border to Buffalo. The Caps and Sabres face off on Tuesday the 28th. Stock up on Mighty Taco for the rest of your trip before making a move to Ohio. Be there by Thursday the 30th to see Gaborik, Dubinsky, Anisimov and the rest of the Rangers BJs fire a cannon, or something. Early Friday morning, make the three-hour trip from Columbus to Detroit, where the Caps will cap off their roadtrip at the Joe, where “Rocking your Red” will probably be counterproductive. The trip home to D.C. from Detroit will be the longest leg of the trip, coming in at a shade under eight hours.

Winnipeg Jets

Depart Winnipeg: November 24

Return to Winnipeg: December 3

Last but not least, the Jets. Not a ton of travel options for fans in the ‘Peg, but old reliable, the New York triplet, is on the table, and it’s too good an opportunity to miss. It’s 25 hours from Winnipeg to Newark, so leave on Sunday, November 24th and get to The Prudential Center by the 25th. You’ll have all day Tuesday Wednesday to hang out in New York City before heading out to Long Island the night of the 27th. You’re Canadian, so you won’t be missing Thanksgiving the next night, and while we Americans are busy stuffing our faces (as per usual), you can head to Philly for a night on the town. It’s Jets-Flyers on Friday the 29th. Saturday and Sunday are free to spend either in Philly or back in NYC, as the Jets play the Rangers on Monday, December 2nd. That’s 4 games and a lifetime of memories made (and forgotten) in 2 of the best cities in the world. Head back to Winnipeg on Tuesday the 3rd.

Distance: 3534 miles

Gas: $606

Driving Time: 54 hours, 18 minutes

Games: 4

Well, that’s all folks. Enjoy the Open Ride and don’t hesitate to make a pit stop in Hockey Falls if you find yourself in the neighborhood. We’ll bring the beers.

Hockey Falls Names the Realigned NHL Divisions (UPDATE: League goes with ‘Metropolitan’ instead)

The team logos above the stage at the 2013 NHL are arranged based on the league’s new divisions, beginning in the ’13-’14 season.

Written by Trevor Kraus, Joey Naftol and Alex Silverman

From 1981-1993, the NHL playoffs opened with two divisional rounds to crown the champion of the Patrick, Adams, Norris and Smythe divisions prior to determining the top team from each conference and, ultimately, the Stanley Cup champion. From 1994-2012, divisions were meaningless other than the fact that the division winners were automatically seeded in the top 3 in each conference. With realignment on the horizon for the ’13-’14 season, divisional playoffs will return.

But just two and a half months away from the opening faceoff, the four divisions remain nameless. Commissioner Gary Bettman has stated that the divisions will likely be named geographically, but with one division containing teams from Canada, the Northeastern United States and Florida, it seems impossible to come up with anything sensible based on location. Here at Hockey Falls, we’ve been talking over some cold ones (Molsons…always Molsons) and tossing around some themes and names for the NHL’s new divisions.

Kickin’ it Old School: Patrick, Adams, Norris, Smythe

Traditionalist that I am, I’d be THRILLED if the league went this route. I’m too young to have watched a Norris Division matchup, but I know my dad would’ve smiled at the thought of the Blues raising another Norris Division Championship banner. Moreover, the Norris (along with the other divisions) developed its own identity, one that “Central” never captured or conveyed. The “Chuck” Norris Division had a reputation as brutal, bruising, bloody, all-out-war hockey. Wayne Gretzky’s Smythe Division featured a more open, finesse style. So, when the winners of those divisions squared off in the Campbell Conference Final, you were almost assured of seeing contrasting styles, which always makes for interesting hockey.

Each division having its own identity is a good thing for the league. For another reason, one need only look at college sports, where each conference develops its own identity. In college basketball, for example, when your team gets knocked out of the NCAA Tournament, it’s customary to root for the other teams in your conference to add legitimacy to your own team’s reputation. Of course, you can still do that with Central, Atlantic, etc. But even though I’m a diehard hockey fan, I follow the Blues most closely. So sometimes I’d have to strain to remember who was the 5th team in the Northeast Division…because ALL those teams (Boston, New York, Philly, Toronto, Montreal) are, geographically, in the Northeast. Likewise, I’m not sure every Boston Bruins fan could correctly place Vancouver in the Northwest Division instead of the Pacific…because Vancouver is most certainly on the Pacific.

While that argument could be applied to just about any non-geographic denomination, above all, what Smythe, Norris, Patrick, and Adams have going for them is the power of nostalgia. There are plenty of old-time hockey fans out there who’ve been turned off by the lockout. Or the other lockout. Or that most recent lockout. Reconnecting to hockey’s past certainly wouldn’t turn away any new fans, and it might help bring back some old ones.

Modern Legends: Gretzky, Hull (both of them), Orr, Lemieux

I think this denomination is the most likely. Again, it offers a connection to hockey’s past, but in a more concrete way. All of these players are still alive, but their places in today’s game need to be more prevalent and more defined. Since his departure from the Phoenix Coyotes, for example, Gretzky has virtually gone AWOL, and is without a role in the modern NHL. Renaming the division with his Oilers after him could help bring him back. His face and his presence are needed in the game. Picture this: the Oilers (or the Ducks, the Sharks…whoever) advance to the Stanley Cup Final, and The Great One is one ice to award them the Campbell Bowl. Or if the Jets (or Stars/Blackhawks/Blues/Wild/etc.) go to the Final, you have Bobby and Brett Hull award the Bowl.

There’s one concern I can see fans raising: how would the Flyers feel about competing for the Lemieux Division Title, after Super Mario did things like this to them? Would Habs fans want Bobby Orr presenting them the Prince of Wales Trophy after he tortured them throughout most of his career? In response, I say to those fan bases: Suck. It. Up. Respect greatness. These guys are no longer scoring against your teams, and it’s not like they were agitators on the ice anyway.

Geography: West, Central…well, let us explain:

(Courtesy NHL/NPR)

As we mentioned in the open, geographic names for the new divisions is trickier than it should be. So let’s start with the easy ones. The western-most division – the teams from the current Pacific division, minus Dallas, plus Vancouver, Edmonton and Calgary – would be known simply as the “Western Division.” It might sound weird considering “Western” was previously the name of a conference, but it’s the most accurate geographic designation to describe locations that include Arizona, California, British Columbia and Alberta. “Pacific” can’t stick around because, according to someone else’s calculations, Edmonton is more than 4,000 miles from the ocean.

The next division over – the current Central division plus Colorado, Dallas and finally accom

modated Winnipeg – would maintain its “Central” designation. Let’s skip the one the NHL has temporarily called Division C and get the easy stuff out of the way. The current Atlantic Division – plus Carolina, Columbus and Washington – could either stick with “Atlantic” or go with the slightly more controversial “Middle East.” Look at that map and tell me those teams aren’t in the middle of the East. Plus, with rivalries like Philly-Pittsburgh, Islanders-Rangers, Pittsburgh-Washington and Rangers-Devils to name a few, there fittingly won’t be peace in the Middle East anytime soon.

And finally, to the crux of the issue: Bettman just had to take the current Northeast Division plus Detroit and then force the two Florida teams in there like a square peg into a round hole. If we really want to pretend this is a legitimate geographical entity, we might use something like “Eastern Division” because that’s pretty much all these seven locations have in common. But the NHL might as well embrace its goofy divisional structure with one of the following names:

• The Flortheast Division
• The “Damn-Those-Non-Traditional-Hockey-Markets” Division
• The Snowbirds Division (or the related “Fly-South-For-The-Winter” Division”)
• The Flanadian Division
• The Flandetada Division/The Candetida Division

We could probably do this all day, but you get the point. Steer clear of geography, Bettman!

A Sad Reality: The Centers for Disease Control Anti-Smoking Division, The Nicklas Backstrom 15-Goal Geico Division, The Amway Divison, The Westside Furniture Division

The sad, sad, heartbreakingly sad truth: everything in sports is becoming commercialized. Only 3 arenas don’t have corporate names: The Joe, Madison Square Garden, and the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum. McDonald’s has infiltrated the Kings’ practice jerseys, and it’s only a matter of time before we start seeing ads on game jerseys, like in Europe. So why not go all the way? We already had to sit through the horrifying CDC anti-smoking ads during the playoffs, so hopefully by now, we’re desensitized to the sound of Terrie’s voice. The NHL has proven its progressive mindset with the “You Can Play” campaign, and it wouldn’t hurt the league’s image to jump out in front of the anti-smoking wave and lead the charge. The “CDC-ASD Division” would be the one including the Blackhawks, Blues, Stars, Wild, Jets, Avs and Predators.

My god, were those Nicklas Backstrom Geico commercials stupid. And how did Geico end up choosing Backstrom, of all people, as the face of their campaign? Sure, he’s a good player, but was there no one more noteworthy available? Nevertheless, he’d gain instant rockstar status as the only man ever to win his own division. The only question: Can he “make” 15 goals every year for the rest of his career? Of course he can.

The “Amway Division” would be the one the Detroit Red Wings occupy…because the Wings already have an “historic” relationship with Amway. Because it’s the NHL, any good will it earns from coming out against smoking has to be given back. And what better way to do that than by accepting money from a pyramid scheme? Or as Harvard calls it, a “pyramid-like distribution system.”

Finally, we have the “Westside Furniture Division”. Never heard of Westside Furniture? Neither have most hockey fans. But as we found out on July 2nd, the city of Glendale is broke and can barely afford to pay its police officers and firefighters. Yet, there’s still an NHL team there, and in true Gary Bettman fashion, the league is going to do absolutely everything in its power to make sure the team stays there. Hence the worldwide shout-out to Westside Furniture, located at 7029 N. 57th Drive, Glendale AZ, 85301. The new name will infuse Glendale with some much needed cash, and no hockey fan will ever again be in need of rustic, southwest, old-world, contemporary oak furniture and accessories. It’s a win-win!

Classic American Cinema: Youngblood, Slapshot, Mystery, Alaska, Mighty Ducks

Paying homage to arguably the four greatest hockey films of all time would be a great way to connect the newly realigned divisions to the game’s pop culture landmarks. The “Classic American Cinema” names embody the niche aspect that die-hard puck-heads embrace. Hockey fans are a unique breed of human and are the only ones who would watch these movies every time they show up on an HBO channel.

The “Youngblood Division” would consist of Midwestern teams – the Blackhawks, Wild, Blues, etc. – because what better represents the middle of our country than undersized speedster Rob Lowe learning how to fight for success through a montage-style training session with Pat Swayze, seriously?

The “Mighty Ducks Division” would be home of the Pacific Coast teams even though the original, D1, took place in Minnesota. However, D2’s Goodwill Games did go down in LA, where the team also learned how to play hockey, street style. Obviously the no-longer-mighty Ducks would compete in this division and, oddly enough, their current roster seems to reflect shades of those Bombay squads of the past: a Goaltending controversy between Victor “the cat” Fasth and Jonas “definitely not Jewish” Hiller, a combination of Ryan Getzlaf and Corey Perry which equals Adam Banks and Cam Fowler as the Charlie Spazzway of the team.

The “Mystery, Alaska Division” would carry the Northeast plus the Florida teams. Think about it: It’s really cold in the northeast, and the Lightning and Panthers are overlooked by the rest of the league just as the state of Alaska is overlooked by the rest of the U.S. This assortment of teams lacks any geographical sense: it’s a mystery what they have in common and they might as well be in Alaska compared to one another. This name also works because the Lightning and Panthers have the same chance of competing against their far superior opponents as Mystery, Alaska’s amateur hockey team had going up against the Rangers; but they play the game for a reason, folks.

Finally the “Slapshot Division” would take over for the Atlantic plus Columbus, Carolina and Washington division. Since Slapshot is the lone comedy on the list, it’s the division that has, hands down, the group of teams with the most hilarious story lines: the Flyers’ salary cap management, Marc Andre Fleury in late April, Alexander Ovechkin winning the Hart last year, Bobrovsky joining the force and the Islanders, to name a few. Just like the Mighty Ducks Division, there’s a handful of similarities to players in the Slapshot division. Obviously the Schenn bros in Philly or the Staal bros in Carolina represent the Hansen brothers, one could argue that Ned Brayden was Sidney Crosby before Sidney Crosby with the whole refusing to fight and get dirty thing, and hopefully Ilya Bryzgalov stays within the division because he would be the perfect Denis Lemieux.

So there you have it: the NHL has quite a few options. Now lets see how Bettman screws it up. (UPDATE: Like this: Pacific, Central, Atlantic and Metropolitan)

Five More Years in the Desert Thanks to City Council Circus

I think my hockey fandom has reached an all-time high (or low, depending on how you look at it.) For almost 2 hours, I watched a live stream of the Glendale City Council meeting and vote, about whether to approve a 15-year lease agreement to keep the Phoenix Coyotes at Jobing.com Arena in Phoenix. (A brief aside: that’s the 2nd worst stupidest arena name in sports. The worst? The football stadium that sits right beside it, University of Phoenix Stadium.) But as I wrote yesterday, at least it’s something hockey-related to pass the time. I even called my Aunt Carolyn, who lives in Glendale, to tell her the eyes of the hockey world were fixed upon her town. She said she got sick of hearing about this story before the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico…that long ago.

The Council voted 4-3 in favour of the deal that will finally give the Coyotes a stable owner, willing to keep the franchise in Phoenix. Unfortunately, that “stability” is only good for the next 5 years, because Royal Sports & Entertainment (RSE), the group that will buy the team, insisted on an out-clause in the agreement. If the team loses $50 million, or after 5 years pass, RSE can break the lease and move the team. Why, exactly, will Coyotes fans want to buy a new Mike Smith jersey if it could be obsolete in 5 years? Why will they plunk down thousands of dollars on season tickets for a team that could break their hearts as soon as 2018? Those questions assume that there are Coyotes fans to begin with. To me, they seem as imaginary as the Lochness Monster.

We could go back on forth on the pros and cons of the deal, and of having an ICE hockey team in THE DESERT. But we’ve been doing so since 2009. The biggest question from tonight is this: how on earth did those city council members get elected? If you caught any of the proceedings, the incompetence probably seeped through your computer screen. If you didn’t, it’s enough to know that one of the members based part of his vote on 6 emails he received…5 in favour of keeping the team, and 1 against. So in a city with a population of more than 4 million, those emails helped sway the decision. Another council member compared the RSE representative to firefighters, noting the dedication and passion he demonstrated. In the wake of this, probably not a good idea. If tonight’s circle jerk is representative—in any way—of how local government works in this country, we’re in trouble.

The ARIZONA Coyotes (the name change appears imminent) have their window to succeed in Glendale: 5 years. If they don’t, they’ll head to Seattle or Quebec City, both of which will have shiny, new arenas. You can probably tell I don’t think they have a snowball’s chance in hell (see what I did there…snow melting in the heat…ice hockey in the desert) of filling that arena on a consistent basis. But now that this mess is finally over, I’m hopping on the Coyotes’ bandwagon. What a story it would be, if they could endure all this bullshit and win a Stanley Cup. Something along these lines.

Please…I’m Begging You…Make the Time Move Faster

Maybe the lockout wasn’t quite as bad as we thought. No doubt, it felt like a back-stabbing in the midst of it; owners and players squabbling over how to divvy up the $30 I pay for my ticket in section 312 in Scottrade Center. The lunacy of taking away the coolest game on earth (trademark NHL, circa 1998) was almost too much to overcome. I took it hard. I swore off the league and promised I wouldn’t come back to the game this season. And I was able to stay away for the most part…until the playoffs. They were spectacular this year, from the Blues’ first round loss to the Kings through Game 6 last Monday night in Boston. I watched at least one hockey game per night for 2 straight months. The bitterness and anger I lobbed toward the game evaporated little by little, with each hip check, poke check, and pad save.

Now that the season’s over, I’ve realized the one and only POSITIVE aspect of the lockout:  it shortened the off-season! You know, the offseason…that dreadful, miserable, humid, sweaty stretch of time between the end of the Final and Opening Night. During the lockout, at least there was the possibility the players and the owners would strike a deal, so at any given time, we were—theoretically—only a week away from hockey. But now, as we sit here nearing Independence Day, there is absolutely ZERO chance of an NHL game being played for the next 3+ months. Which hurts. But at least by Independence Day this year, the Cup Final still lingers fresh in our memories. Other years, live hockey has been dead for 3 weeks by July 4^th. Sure, free agency and the draft are exciting. But those passing fads don’t fill the time between 7:00 and 10:00 every other night.

If it sounds like I’m BSing, and just trying to find some sliver of a silver lining to this whole lockout, given that we’ll probably have a new one on our hands September 1, 2019, well yeah, you got that right.

We don’t know just yet when the 2013-2014 NHL season will start (in normal years, the schedule comes out in mid-July, but with the Phoenix Coyotes in limbo, who knows when it’ll be released?) but the first Saturday in October is when most of the league typically plays its first game. This year, that’s October 5^th. 7:00 is when the Blues would play if they’re in the Central time zone. Here’s something to do to help pass the time. Enjoy. It’s almost as exciting as watching baseball.